Welcome To Crossfit: Kids Edition!

Welcome to CrossFit Kids! Perhaps you’ve read one of our pamphlets, such as “Double Dutch Much? or “Potty, Training?” and are interested in sending your child to the No.1 health and fitness brand bent on ruining social media. Well today is your lucky day. It just so happens that CrossFit is now offering a workout regimen for kids who are old enough to participate in the CrossFit philosophy, but not old enough to know the word ‘philosophy.’ 

Now we realize that most parents are a bit nervous about forcing their children the Kool-Aid that is today’s latest fitness craze, which is why we guarantee the best treatment from our personal trainers, access to the latest Fisher Price workout equipment, and did I mention Kool-Aid?

Ah! —Here comes our first class now. OK class, today we’re going to start off with a set of Push Jerks. This is the perfect exercise for building upper body strength, as well as taking care of those nasty playground bullies. Next, we’re going to play The Floor Is Ebola all the way over to the next station. Touch your toes, now the person next yours. Here we’re going to Jump-Glide, or Fruit Roll Up on over to the weight room. Now I know what your thinking, “there is no way my little baby is going to be lifting weights.” I thought so too, at first. 

Hey Timmy! Timmy get over here! Timmy is an eight-year old CrossFit prodigé (he’s also French!) Wow! Have you ever seen washboard abs on an eight-year old like this before? Man, I’ll tell you, if I saw him coming at me on the sidewalk, I’d cross the street, shit myself, and then come back and admire his calves. I mean look at those things! They could split a watermelon in half. Sorry, watermalone. You can go now champ.

Why us? Well that’s a good question. Well, if you read our pamphlet “Burn Calories by Robert Munsch” you would know that at CrossFit Kids, we want to push your small child to his/her limit. We believe this is possible through repetition, endurance, commitment and repetition. A lot of programs will tell you that they’re “fun” “all-inclusive” and “communal.” But we’ll be the first to tell you that’s bullshit.

Here at CrossFit Kids, we’re all about competition, which also happens to be our motto. At breakfast, we want your child to try and finish his kale-protein smoothie before the commercial break ends. We want to take the batteries out of your toddler’s play set so she doesn’t learn instant gratification. Why? BECAUSE THAT’S THE CROSSFIT WAY. 

Still don’t believe us? Here, read these real responses from real happy parents!

• “My fourth-month old hasn’t been having much confidence on the treadmill, so I sent her to CrossFit Kids, and now, she still can’t do anything–but on a higher incline!” —Janet P.

• “My little T.J. was deathly afraid of the ocean, so I got him a membership, with full pool access, and now, he has a free Twitter account, with pre-written tweets sharing his workout regimen–did I mention they do birthdays!?” —Roger B.