Welcome To The Second Week Of January, When You’re Bad At Life Again


Do not be afraid, you are very much not alone here. Most others have also entered this realm, the place where you’ve gotten over the New Year, New Me high and might have already regressed into sucking even more than your 2017 self did. Again, you are very much not alone here.

In fact, the only two friends of yours who are still holding onto their New Year resolutions with a deathlike grip are Ashley, who meal preps, and Carmen, who’s just better than you in every way.

You gave Week One of 2018 a good run. You went to bed at a respectable time. You signed up for yoga classes. You wrote in a journal. You focused on clean eating. You were kind to strangers.

But now, it’s Week Two.

At 10:30 you will try to go to bed, but you will be unable to do this because you have to figure out if Twitty from Even Stevens has a Wikipedia page and after that you have to look at your eyebrows in a magnifying mirror for 14 minutes.

On Tuesday morning, you will plan to take your first early-morning class at the yoga studio but you will be unable to do this because you don’t want to.

On Thursday evening, you will light a candle and sit at your desk and plan to write in your journal but you will be unable to do this because you will pull up Facebook and look at some stuff and then close it but then reopen it because you forgot what you looked at so you need to review this information a second time and by the time you finish, 48 minutes have gone by and you’re tired.

All week you will plan to eat clean but you will be unable to do this because on Monday night you will eat six grapes, two almonds, and one medium pizza although the pizza wasn’t supposed to be part of the meal.

On your way to work you will plan to be kind to a stranger but you will be unable to do this because they will sneeze on the subway and you will spend so much time agonizing over whether or not it’s socially awkward for you to say ‘bless you’ and by the time you decide to say it it’s too late so you just look at them and open your mouth and say a noise that sounds like ‘sphfu’ and they will stare at you and you will pretend to just be really interested in one of the poles that people use to maintain their balance in the traincar.

This is Week Two. This is your new home. Welcome.