What A Friend Says Vs. What A Best Friend Says

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Friend: “Want me to punch them?”

Best friend: “I will literally shit in a bag, set it on fire, and throw it at them. I’m just waiting for you to give me the okay.”

Friend: “I’m sorry that you’re sad, do you want me to come over?”

Best friend: “Hey! Unlock your back door, I can’t fit through the window with all this comfort food I brought. I already tried.”

Friend: “Seriously. Please don’t kill anybody. I can’t afford to bail you outta jail right now.”

Best friend: “Okay but you gotta be smart about this. Can you at least wait a few weeks and give the ground some time to thaw? It’ll be easier for me to help you dig the grave for the body by then.”

Friend: “Don’t you think your celebrity obsession is getting a little out of hand?”

Best Friend: :::Spends a half hour stalking your celebrity crush and their family on the internet::: “His wife ain’t shit. We could take her. And his son is totally wearing a Counting Crows T-shirt in this picture. You two have so much in common, you’d be an awesome step mom.”

Friend: “Oh wow, I can’t believe we already watched three episodes today! I’m so glad Netflix doesn’t judge us.”

Best Friend: “I can not believe we only made it through one season. I am severely disappointed.”

Friend: “You are strong. You’re gonna be okay.”

Best friend: “It’s okay that you are not okay right now. You don’t always gotta be strong. I will sit here and be not okay with you for as long as it takes. We can build a blanket fort while we wait.”

Friend: “I’m sorry you’re going through a rough time right now. Please don’t hesitate to call if you need anything.”

Best Friend: :::Takes your hand::: “Don’t even worry about it. We’re in this together. Always.”