What Do You Do With An Ugly Husband?

I found this new gem of a reality show—I’m sorry, docu-series—called Married at First Sight which I keep calling Married at the Altar because I’m retarded. I need you to get involved. It’s on some new channel called FYI, which, FYI, is a fantastic name for a television station.

The premise is that 25 men and 25 women meet with four experts (sex, personality, spirituality, and a therapist type who comes off kind of like an excellent social worker checking in on a foster kid ‘cause she’s so judgey) who eventually find three couples out of the pool who are supposedly perfect for each other. Then these people get married without ever meeting. Totally blind arranged marriage BUT to someone who is the best possible person for you.

In order to keep us hooked they had to fuck with someone, right? There’s Vaughn and Monet, the hot black couple with deep emotional ties to the air force. Then there’s Jason and Courtney who are both total soul gardeners (he’s a wannabe firefighter, she’s a makeup artist) and they’re fucking adorable. Then there’s Doug and Jamie. Poor, poor Doug and his bitch wife Jamie.

Okay, I take that back about Jamie because I would be totally disappointed if I was dumb enough to participate in something like this and my assigned husband turned out to be unattractive. To be fair to Doug, he’s not that crazy looking. Yes he’s got unsightly moles all over his face and hair that looks like it’s thinning by the minute and yes, he’s a software salesman who lives with his parents, but he’s got a fantastic personality. He likes to make people laugh, he’s a dork, which is always a nice quality in a person, and he obviously would never, ever cheat on you. Doug doesn’t feel himself and I just don’t think he’d have the balls to get some extracurricular pussy.

It’s really just that he’s not Jamie’s deal and walking down the aisle to him was like not getting what you wanted for Christmas times a thousand. Which is unlikable at first but the more you think about it you’re like, “No, I would totally react like that.” But really, other than Doug’s face, he’s a perfect match for her. The scientists said that he possesses every quality that she asked for beside looks.

After the couples get married in the second and third episodes, you see their honeymoons and the first month of their relationships. Now, Vaughn and Monet kissed on the cheek at their ceremony but you know they will be fucking in no time. They’re sexy and their fathers are dead; it’ll be a hot, great honeymoon for them. Same with Jason and Courtney. They were both drinking heavily at their wedding and they honestly probably fucked in the bathroom after their ceremony. They are the definition of instant chemistry.

But going on a honeymoon with a husband you’ve never met and whom you’re physically repulsed by? That’d be hell. I’d have just killed myself. Or asked for a separate room and gotten shitfaced the whole time on tropical drinks, waiting to get back to New York so I could finish the experiment and get my goddamn divorce.

All of this is made especially uncomfortable by the way she’s handling the situation though. She wept in front of her mom and three bridesmaids (who, by the way, give a lot away about Jamie’s personality because all three of them are overweight and much less attractive than her which is a classic bitch move). Her body language at the reception was all, “I don’t know this weirdo, don’t judge me for being married to him.” When they took their wedding photos, she kept making “get me outta here!” faces at the camera and said to the photographer at one point, “Can we not do so much touching?” Pretty hard to watch.

I do think that Doug and Jamie will be the only couple that decides to stay married at the end of the first month of marriage, though. He gives me very strong “no matter what you do, I’m going to keep trying because you’re really fucking hot and I don’t believe in divorce” vibes.

Jason is a traditional conservative Brooklyn boy who wants a wifey to take care of him and Courtney comes off progressive and unable to give a fuck. Also, their attraction to each other is so primal I see them having really dramatic cave people fights.

Vaughn and Monet basically fight non-stop in the “this season on Married at First Sight…” segment of the show which makes me think that things are going to get real dark real fast for them. I don’t think they showed one scene of them getting along as a couple, although Monet does say in her confessional video that they can be furious with each other and still have sex. Seems… not sustainable. Very Eminem and Kim.

Ending up together is a nice little narrative for Doug and Jamie and you know how these shows love to give you exactly what you want. They’re teeing up that their marriage will be a nightmare and that there’s no way such a beautiful girl could love this hideous beast of a man…. Oh wait a minute, what’s that? She learned a lesson about how inner beauty means more than anything? That’s such a great ending. Love that for them!

Still don’t know how she’s going to keep her shit together on that honeymoon, though. SMH. What would you do? Will you please watch this garbage with me so I don’t have another Pretty Little Liars situation where I wind up searching tumblr for it at 3 AM because I’m so fucking desperate to hear other people’s thoughts and theories? Thank yoooou.