What Happens When Someone Breaks Down Your Walls


It will be unexpected. It will take you by irresistible force, and gently incinerate inside of you, simmering until the brutal heat of its nature pierces the very core of your being. The masonry surrounding your heart is impeccable, is impenetrable…or, at least, it used to be, until this unforeseen power dismantled your defenses. You have ceded your prize from the most dangerous war that you previously waged and won—the war against yourself. You have ceded your walls. The blanket of darkness rises ever so slightly from your soul, and then the wind blows upon it, and it scatters into parts unknown, like seeds of life twinkling in the summer air.

Your heart creaks, worn and dusty from lack of use. As the wheels within the valves begin to roll, hitting the gravel with jarring impact, you begin to feel. You are born anew, the previously numb collisions of atoms in your veins invigorating themselves in rapid fire. You hear your head buzz with unfamiliar echoes. You feel your soul thaw, bleeding secrets you had sworn never to tell another.

And you feel. You just feel.

It will not be a simple feat to tread upon this new soil. The ground will cling to you, as a child clings fiercely to its mother, and you will get stuck. You will find times where moving forward, and breathing fresh air, appears impossible. You will temporarily enact steel shields again and again, each time recognizing that your defenses are growing weaker and weaker, and your limbs will feel leaden as you shackle yourself to what you once knew – how to push away. How to keep others out.

But you will feel. You will still feel.

The astounding beauty of the force that launched this torrid affair will mar your spirit, and you will gradually turn yourself into words – your thoughts, your feelings, and the dustiest inner crevices of your soul. The floodgates will open, and you will release yourself into the custody of another, incrementally, and then with a violent determination. You will step out of the color gray and into a rainbow-spattered future with someone who has whispered a new way to survive into your soul. You will find a light that was never truly lost – just misplaced. You will be saved in every moment by this person, and with every pulse of blood through your veins you expand, drowning and completing yourself with a soul that made love to yours.

And you are still feeling. Can you still feel forever?

Perhaps this soul will leave. Perhaps it will linger, breathing life into the soft, silken strands of your hair. The unknown will burn you, it will bruise you, and it will cause you to set fire to everything you created. This vulnerability makes you bleed, and you scramble to apply pressure to your doubtful heart. You scramble to fill your lungs with toxic air, air full of what-ifs and it-will-not-lasts and I-can’t-go-ons. You scramble to become numb.

But you should still feel. You can’t stop feeling.

You lick your cracked lips, parched for a definite version of the future. It does not come. It will never come. The certainty in the uncertainty tastes bitter inside of your mouth, and you wonder – can I close the floodgates? Should I dive into a pool of resentment? Should I leave the person who colored my abused spirit with the beauty of his eyes? The answers appear instantaneously, and you smile. You smile even though your cracked lips bleed as the skin tears emphatically, and you smile even though your insides are spinning – faster and faster and faster until you carve the sensation into your soul. You smile because the answers do not bear any weight. You smile because you are no longer a vessel of skin and bones. You are no longer a nomad wandering the far corners of the earth in search of meaning. You have found your home inside of another. You have found yourself in the beauty of his mind. You are not perfect, unscarred, or unflawed. But you are whole. You will always be whole.

And you will always feel. You will forever feel.

featured image – Anna Gutermuth