What I Imagine ‘Breaking Bad’ Is Like Without Having Seen It



It’s totally about a science teacher making meth because he has cancer so he just doesn’t GAF anymore. But I think he keeps this a secret from his immediate family? Not sure how he has cancer and can still hustle all over town–as I imagine you need to hustle in order to be a meth dealer.

Wait, someone also has the ‘Jr.’ suffix on their name so is it a family meth business? Maybe over the seasons his family started to find out so now they travel around the desert in an RV and make/sell meth.

They dissolved some bro in a bathtub. I heard it was way icky.

I wonder if this show is ever funny? Seems like a gold mine of meth jokes but I feel it is not funny all. It seems to be about some of my least favorite things in the world: non-party drug use (bleak), deserts (dry AF), breakfast food (not tasty) and unattractive people (self explanatory).

There is a really hot dude named Aaron Paul? I think that is the right name? I saw a YouTube video where people drove by his house and he came out and talked to them because he is really nice. Or is that a Game Of Thrones person? Or True Blood? He is hot, I think, but very tiny. Is he a person who does meth on the show and it impacted his growth?

I don’t like shows about deserts. Maybe I am entirely wrong about it taking place in a desert and I am missing out? Is it on cable? I also don’t have cable.

This seems like the epitome of a “dude show.” But on dude shows there are usually hot girls. Like, a great “dude movie” that is universal is The Town, and look at what they did to Blake Lively for my viewing pleasure:

So, are there any pretty girls to look at on this show? I haven’t seen one in any of the thousands of breaking bad images I’ve seen on the internet.

Your move, Breaking Bad.