What I Imagine ‘Girls’ Is Like Without Ever Having Seen It


…I have never watched an episode of ‘Girls.’


–SCENE: A bench in a leafy park, somewhere or other in Brooklyn.–

Tall Girl: Hello! I’m Girl One!

Cute Girl: Hello! I’m Girl Two!

Smart Girl: …Hi! I’m Girl Three.

Tall: So what are we doing?

Smart: Well, we’re all girls or something and we live in Brooklyn I think.

Cute: …What part of Brooklyn?

Smart: Williamsburg, probably. Unless this show is being extra realistic, in which case Bushwick.

Cute: Aaah!

Tall: What?

Cute: …I thought I saw a black person. Never mind; never mind; it’s cool.

Smart: Settle down, girl. You’re strong. …You’re stronger than that.

Cute: It just really looked like a black person! But I think it was just like someone in a shadow under a tree.

Tall: Chillax, girl! …I’m saying “chillax” ironically because that’s what people in this generation do. I’m embracing the cliché.

Smart: Here. Eat this gluten-free cracker. It’ll make you feel better.

(The cute girl munches on the gluten-free cracker.)

Cute: …Say. If there’s no gluten in gluten-free crackers, what’s in them, exactly?

Tall: We’re having such a slice-of-life conversation right now!

(A boy named “Adam” or something arrives.)

Adam or something: Hello!  I’m Adam.

Smart: Go away Adam! We’re having a slice-of-life conversation right now. No time for boys!

Adam: Jeez. “Chillax.” I’m saying that ironically.

Smart: Hahahahaha! That was funny. I’ll have sex with you later where everyone can see my somewhat imperfect body — because resisting societal pressures to be perfect blap de blap de bloop. But for now, we need to be alone.

Adam. Sorry. “Later.” (He gives an ironic wave goodbye.)

(Adam or something departs.)

Tall: He wasn’t black, was he?

Cute: I don’t think so. Where were we in our entirely realistic millennial-esque “convo,” which I say ironically.

Smart: Gluten-free crackers.

Tall: Right? If there’s no gluten, then what’s in them?

Cute: …Nothing? Maybe?

Smart: Nothing; probably no one knows. …No one knows. Just as no one knows what we are to do with our lives — our young lives, as girls,…girls in the city.

Tall: “Totes.” So, then; what are we do to with our lives, our important young lives; our lives in Brooklyn?

Smart: I don’t know.

Cute: …Probably no one knows.

Smart: “Profound.”

(…A long pause. A song that I’ve never heard of plays as they stare at one another “meaningfully.”)

Smart: …This is all so Tao Lin right now!

Cute: I know! Obscure reference substituting for character development! I so “feel” you, “girl!”

(A token black person arrives.)

Token black person: …You guys! I have terrible news!

Cute: “Oh em gee,” what is it!

Black person: I’m a token black character!

Smart: “Oh noes!!!”

Tall: What do we do?!

Smart: This is frightening and confusing! Should we run away? Or is that too “cliché.”

Cute: I don’t know what to do! All I know how to do is make banal observations that seem profound because they’re cloaked in self-deprecation!

Smart: Fuck!

Black person: I’m not white! I’m black! It’s fine though, because I’m a hipster who talks like you! “Amirite”? “See what I did there”?


Cute: Are we yelling ironically?!

Tall: I don’t know! I can’t tell the difference between irony and non-irony anymore. Is it bad that he’s a token character? Or is that okay?! …Or what do we stand for? Oh fuck noes!


Black person (glancing around “awkwardly”): …Well, um, goodbye. “Laters.”



–End Scene–


Previously: What I’m guessing that ‘Game of Thrones’ is like.

Coming next: Who the fuck knows.

You should like Thought Catalog on Facebook here.