What I Miss About My Impulsive Heart

I miss how reckless it was, how it would just beat for someone without hesitation, without consulting the brain and without looking with a microscopic eye for the reasons why not to love someone.

I miss how selfless it was, it loved without expecting to be loved in return. The act of loving kept it alive whether the love was reciprocated or not. When it knew that love was an act of faith not an exchange.

I miss how innocent it was, believing in happy endings and seeing the best in people. When it used to believe that love doesn’t hurt and that people will not intentionally break it. When it was full of hope and optimism instead of doubts and fears.

I miss how open it was, before all those walls were built, before all the shields were constructed, when it would let people in heedlessly. Without questions, without excuses and without defenses. It would welcome love in with open arms and embrace the freedom that comes with loving someone. I miss how unguarded it was – I miss it when it was uncaged.

I miss how vulnerable it was, when vulnerability was embedded in it. When it used to look forward to the next time vulnerability visits instead of running away from it. I miss how vulnerability made it feel safe and capable of fully loving a person.

I miss how forgetful it was, it didn’t remember past heartaches or past wounds, it didn’t remember the bad times or the times it almost stopped beating. It forgot everything the moment it met someone who was able to make it beat again. I miss how forgiving it was.

I miss how strong it was, when it would heal itself after every heartbreak like it was just a scratch. When it would love back even stronger because of the pain, when it clung to love to live, when it thrived on love, when it would put up a fight for those it loved. I miss how brave it was; unafraid of bruises and proud of scars.

I miss how crazy it was, when it would just signal to the brain to do crazy things in the name of love, and whisper to the lips to say I love you and point to the eyes to reveal all curbed emotions and see the beauty of the person they’re looking at. I miss how spontaneous and rash it was, bestowing all its love upon one person. Generously pouring itself out to make someone happy and loving hastily like there is no tomorrow. I miss how pure and foolish it was.

I miss how whole it was, how it used to offer itself in one piece, as a package, with its atria, ventricles and valves. I miss how solid it was, how it would just jump out of the body into the arms of someone else. Now it only gives bits and pieces cautiously and assembles them back before they break. It pumps just the right amount of blood, it beats slowly, and it rarely feels anything at all. My heart is now stagnant; longing for the day it gets to fulfill its real duty – to love again.