What It Feels Like Being Somebody’s First Thinking They’d Be Your Last


You were the silver lining after that wrong turn. You were that voice of hope that kept reminding me I deserve to love and be loved again. You were the one who made me happy… again.

You were my new beginning, my fresh new start.

And I was yours too. I was your first.

And that was probably the reason why you were so eager. You were so into the highs and the lows in the beginning. You were that constant reminder that love was always a risk worth taking.

But apart from this, I didn’t bother to look into the other side of the coin. I didn’t bother looking into the depths of what you had to offer or better yet, if there was even a depth to it. It was so difficult to see underneath all those loving, caring and compassion.

I never really thought being somebody’s first would entail so much pressure. It was as if you’re always trying so hard to be interesting, to be entertaining, to be just right.

And now, thinking about it, when you’re with the right person, it will never feel like it’s a battle, a competition or something that you have to put so much effort on. When you love a person, when you truly love a person, it will feel as if in spite the bumps and cracks, you will never have to go into battle, go competing and go laying out all the hard efforts. Because it will feel like you’re in it with someone that wants it as bad as you do.

And that in itself, is more than enough.

You know what they say, “You learn best through experience.” And I have just learned that there is this reality that when it doesn’t work out, you’re that lesson that they learn about and they leave with that lesson as they move forward.

…without you.

I’d like to believe there is still beauty knowing you have had an impact in somebody else’s life – regardless of who ended it and more so, how it ended.

As I, too, move forward with my life, I will keep close to my heart the idea that I wasn’t and never would be the person to inflict pain on anyone. Even if it meant being the person to get hurt and keep hurting a million times more.