What It Feels Like To Worry All The Time


To worry is to bite your nails and to look afar, while someone tries to tell you something, but you cannot listen. To part your lips and breathe uneasily, but unconsciously. To imagine thousands of worse scenarios, not knowing when one of these would happen. To compensate yourself by assuming the best scenario would happen. To have the need to cry, but at the same time, to stay grounded and be patient. To answer all the makeshift what-ifs on your mind. To blame yourself. To blame others. To just wait.

To always feel something is wrong or missing. To pack your bags two weeks before the flight, but checking your mental to-do list on the date of your departure. To go out with your friends, but be the first one to arrive at the meeting place. To have a well-prepared presentation to your boss, but cannot present it. To take the 6am train, thinking you would be late for an 8am meeting.
To think you owe a debt to everybody who helped you, but you had helped first. To feel unease when your long-time friend does not talk to you any longer. To not be able to meet your high standards. To not able to live up to the expectations of others. To break your usual image. To decide whether it is right to take risks. To not to do anything about it.

To continuously ask yourself what would happen if you pray without seeing results. If you swim in the sea without a life vest. If you trek the mountains without gears. If you get lost in the forest without a map. If you wait for the day without seeing the sun.