What It Meant To Be In Love With You

I blamed the blood dripping from my body for the hatred spewing from his lips.
He tried to pull the sadness out of me with his hands pressed tightly against my hips.
But I was withering anyway.

It wasn’t the sadness I was losing.
It was myself.

You taught me what it takes to stay in a relationship.
And all of these years I always thought it was commitment.
No.
All you ever wanted was to have control of me.
Here, take my body.
I never liked it anyway.
Next, comes my mind.
It has always been too much for me to handle.
Maybe it was meant for you.
I have always been so much to handle.
Maybe I was meant for you.

Reach into my heart, and take everything I ever thought I loved.
I never knew what love was until I met you.
I never knew I didn’t want to fall in love until I met you.

At a young age, I realized the captivating power my body had over men.
It always starts as something playful, but it never ends in me having any fun.
Sex is the escape route from a life I have never been happy with.
I learned that it is easier to just take off your clothes than to ever actually talk about it.
Does anyone ever truly get to talk about it?
This is the super power I never asked for.
And I have never felt like anyone’s hero.

Detachment from situations has become my new normal.
Maybe I have to physically be there with someone, but no one has to know that my mind is a million miles away.
Sometimes, pretending you are anywhere but your present situation is the only way get through it.
Words don’t seem to work.
My “arguments” only bring out more anger.
But my willingness to listen when all I want to do is scream?
Now that is what has carried me through.

Maybe one day women will evolve out of having emotions.
And then we can finally be the ideal that everyone is looking for.

I want to stop apologizing for feeling the way that I do.
I want to stop making excuses for men who should know better than to treat me like this.
It isn’t my body’s fault that you are an asshole.
It’s you.
It’s all you.

And baby, it has always been you.