What It’s Like To Sleep Without You

I haven’t felt serendipity in a long time. It was always just me waking up at the strangest of times. At two in the morning, I flutter my eyes open. Snapping out of my once peaceful and dreamless slumber.

Insomnia. It made it harder for me to forget about our moments. Of me laying my head back in the pillow, watching you sleep with your chest slowly rising up and down as you breathe. Of me feeling a cold breeze from an opened window, with our curtains fluttering as the wind blew on it. Of you shivering a little, making you move closer to my body. Of us wrapping our arms around each other, sighing contentedly, sharing this heat that felt so comforting and vital and special. I see it when I close my eyes. That is maybe why sleep has been an issue.

It was sweet but bitter at the same time. I treasured all the moments, the memories, even the little ones. And my whole being has ached not seeing you beside me for the last three years. You are gone, and now the bed feels cold.

Every day has become a routine. Wake up at two in the morning. Stay quiet for a few hours. Just lay in bed thinking of both the good times and bad. And when the clock hits five, restlessly shifting, sighing and realizing that I have to go through the day without you by my side. Up and about, I move downstairs and click the kettle on. For our morning tea. My. My morning tea. I wrap my hands around your favorite mug containing your favorite kind of tea, sit on the plush chair that you loved so much. That’s maybe why it smells like you so much – like comfort, familiarity, home. Love.

I always miss you in the quiet. When I’m standing at our balcony, blanket wrapped tightly around my cold, tired body. When I watch the sun lazily come up the morning sky, displaying different shades of yellows, oranges, and reds up above. I miss it. Everything. How I’d hear your footsteps behind my back because you’d follow me onto the balcony, kiss me on the neck, and watch the sun rise with me as if it never really saw the bad things come and go every day. It was our thing. And every day I still wish you were here.

I still daydream of you kissing me. Of you telling me that you love me. I wish the bed wasn’t so cold. But I’m down here and you’re up there. And your suffering has ended.

I’ll find my serendipity in our moments, our memories that will always be with me. That will always be mine. Will always be ours. And I’ll wait for the moment we meet again in the rainbows and colors in the sky. I’ll find my serendipity.