What My Bisexuality Is Not


I feel like bisexuality – both in the real world and in its media depiction – is a bit misunderstood (that’s an understatement / not new information). In my own small way, based on my experiences with my own bisexuality, I would like to help dispel some rumors so that we all might move forward into a bright, shiny future of greater understanding, mutual respect, and extra sexy sex for everyone.

My bisexuality is none of the following:

An invitation to try and get me to have a threesome with you and your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife

Don’t get me wrong – threesomes can be incredibly fun and I’m not saying to not have them if you want to. But thinking that someone being bisexual automatically makes them eager to jump into bed with you and your partner? Or worse, thinking that two people of the same sex in a relationship want to add you to the mix because they’ve been craving some different genitalia? That’s not how it works. It’s basically an attempt to use us as sex toys because…why? Your relationship is presently a snooze fest? You’ve always wanted to see two girls getting it on? I mean, here’s the thing: I’m not the type to judge what gets people off. I’m not going to tell you that it’s sexist to think that two girls having sex is hot. It is hot. Trust me, I’ve been there – you’re not wrong. Of course, there are some people who view threesomes and female sexuality in general in gross, sexist ways, but I’m not assuming that’s true of every single person who wants to get naked with multiple women at once. There are perfectly respectful and awesome scenarios in which group sex can occur. Here’s the bottom line: It’s not degrading to have a threesome with a bisexual person but it is degrading to assume that they will have a threesome with you just because they’re bisexual.

Me being “confused” or “experimenting”

The only thing I experimented with in college was being a redhead, and thank god that bleak, confusing time worked itself out quickly. I think everyone goes through a phase (and this can last months, years, or your whole life) where you’re feeling out your identity in a lot of ways, including your sexual preference. I think bisexuality makes people arguably more uncomfortable than homosexuality because it’s less able to be pinned down and defined. Like, I’m sorry that it’s not as easy for you to pigeonhole my existence based on who I like to sleep with. And beyond that, bisexuality indicates that sexual orientation isn’t an either/or situation, but that, in fact, there is an entire spectrum and any person could fall at any place on the spectrum. And that place could change. People grow and change, and sometimes your sexuality evolves with that – and the idea of that process makes a lot of people really uncomfortable. And bisexuality, being that it isn’t “one or the other” reminds people of the inherent ambiguity of sexuality in general, and that creates resentment. So, all of that to say: I’m not bisexual because I like making people uncomfortable. I’m not aggressively trying to make you confront things or challenge you or whatever. My life, my relationships, and my sexuality are not about you, or against you. I’m compassionate and sympathetic to your discomfort and if you don’t act like my bisexuality is an attack on you, I’m totally down to work together as we all try to create a more realistic, respectful, healthy attitude about sexual identity as a society.

A party trick

I did not come to this bar to make out with a girl in front of you and make your life more interesting. What if I asked you and your heterosexual partner to make out for my entertainment? How fucking weird would that make me look? It’s not any more acceptable or less weird when you ask me and my girlfriend to make out. Like, I get that you grew up in a society that made you perceive your relationship a normal, valid thing, and that made a porny novelty out of mine, so I’m not saying that your tendency to objectify my relationship is entirely your fault. But guess what? You’ve been told. You are aware now. Even if it’s not entirely your fault, how you act from here forward is entirely your responsibility.

Something I did to piss my parents off

I don’t know what kind of backwoods, 1950s family I grew up in, but the fact that I date both men and women is literally not even kind of an issue in my family. I am aware that I am fortunate. I am aware that it’s not always that easy for a great many people. But let me be clear: Regarding my sexuality as an act of rebellion is offensive on a lot of levels. And also, my parents mostly try to not think about me having sex at all. Just like I try to not think about them having sex at all. That’s the deal. That should be everyone’s deal with their parents.

Yours to know all about

Look, some people are super into being open about their sex lives, and I think that’s awesome. Some people cannot get enough of talking about the down and dirty details of their bedroom adventures. And honestly, I’m kinda one of those people when I’m in the company of friends who I already know respect me and whom I trust. We all have a different degree of comfort both within ourselves and within our relationships when it comes to sharing this stuff. When you assume that me having sex with girls means you automatically have a right to ask me really personal questions about my sex life, it’s essentially indicating that sex between two women is less worth respecting the privacy of than straight sex. It’s sexist, and does not make me want to tell you anything except goodbye.

An attempt to be “edgy” or “different”

Sorry, not an angst-ridden 17-year-old. I’m fairly comfortable with who I am, and at the old ass age of 27, I am officially way, way too lazy and apathetic to put any actual effort into appearing any one way. And even if I did care that much how “society” saw me, I deeply doubt that being “edgy” would make my list of ideal traits. My goals include but are not limited to: self-awareness, acceptance, general happiness, trying to keep my hair and skin properly moisturized, being respectful and generous to other people, and only eating one bagel when I’m hungover instead of the three bagels I want to eat.

Me being “greedy” or “slutty”

Possibly the most bizarre, offensive stereotype about bisexual people is that we are way sluttier than people of other sexual orientations. It’s weird logic to think that our attraction to a greater variety of people means we are having sex with a greater number of partners. There are bisexual virgins! We’re just as slutty as the rest of you whores. Ain’t nobody special here.

A political statement

Does the fact that I could theoretically see myself marrying a woman make me more personally invested in the seeing the universal attainment of equal legal rights for same-sex couples? Of course. Would I still be in favor of that if I were straight? Absolutely. Like everyone, my personal experiences create filters that affect how I see the world and shape my perception of issues, but my sexual orientation is just one of the things that makes me who I am. I did not “choose” to be bisexual as a way to still be able to bone dudes while rocking the political boat, nor are my political beliefs solely guided by the fact that I sometimes date women.