What My Instagram Would Look Like If I Was Honest
6:45 AM
A picture of a pillow case with drool on it. I’d go with the Lo-Fi filter to accentuate that the pillow is literally covered in drool.
The photo ends up getting 5 likes– mostly due to how impressed they were with the amount of drool I can produce in a nights sleep.
7:10 AM
The least attractive selfie you can think of from my bathroom mirror. My self made face mask of toothpaste is still covering a large zit on my forehead. My retainers are still secured tightly to my teeth.
1 sympathy like from my bff and three guys unfollow me. #woof.
8:50 AM
A picture of coffee made from the office coffee maker. It’s the most average cup of coffee you’ve ever seen in the most unremarkable mug. You can just barely see my cubicle in the background. There is no filter that can do the the fluorescent office lighting justice, so I skip the filter and throw a #nofilter on the bad boy.
3 likes from my coffee lover friends that don’t discriminate.
11:34 AM
A screenshot of my website history from the past hour. Which consists only of the Facebook profile of my ex-boyfriend and the girl I think he’s supposedly dating.
It gets no likes and one comment that reads, “seriously that’s creepy.” from my exboyfriend. I gain 4 more followers.
2:45 PM
Another selfie, my face with a visible shot of my computer screen in the background that’s 122 photos deep in my tagged pictures and my speaker phone light on to show I’m stuck on a conference call. I hashtag it #multitasking.
6 people like it– and all left confused why I’m Facebook creeping on myself.
5:44 PM
A video of a guy playing “happy birthday” on the xylophone to his girlfriend on the 6 subway.
I finally get to that coveted 11 likes.
6:23 PM
A photo of my workout summary from the elliptical. 23 minutes and 210 calories. #bestworkoutallweek.
14 likes this time– things are looking up.
7:57 PM
A picture of my bowl of fruity pebbles and butter toast. The fruity pebbles make for a great color combo and the Nashville filter makes it look nostalgic. I think of adding “#breakfastfordinner” hashtag right before I upload it which makes me look clever.
12 likes and one old from high school says “yum!”
9:11 PM
A picture of my TV screen which shows I’m watching the Kardashians. Which is a give in– because it’s literally always on TV. You hold up a glass of red wine in the corner of the shot. You leave the bottle out so people don’t know it was $8 from Duane Reade. People assume anyway. You keep your laptop computer screen out of the picture which would show that you’re now 23 photos deep on your Ex boyfriend’s potential new girlfriend trying to decide if she’s recently lost weight.
The picture gets 7 likes.
11:47 PM
Last selfie of the day. You’re back in the bathroom. You are holding up a tube of toothpaste because you’re about to apply it to that zit on your forehead. Your retainers are already secured onto your teeth, it feels great and like you are getting things done while sleeping. You hashtag #greatday. Because it really was.
You get one like– from your dentist’s office.