What My OKCupid Profile Would Look Like If I Were Actually Honest

My self-summary: an insignificant individual on planet earth, just like everyone else. Frequently overdramatic just to keep myself from being bored.

What I’m doing with my life: tweeting during peak hours, trying to remember to call my mom, filling out W-9s, filling up a Smart Water bottle with tap water, mourning Heath Ledger’s death, actively trying to avoid ever owning a house plant.

I’m really good at: finishing tubs of hummus by myself, getting sweaty during minor errands, singing the wrong verse, buying songs on iTunes and then hating them the second I spend money on them, making friends with Starbucks baristas via jokey banter, knowing how many servings are in a bag/box.

The first things people usually notice about me: My sturdy stature and sassy Eeyore-like monotone. And that I talk with my hands. And that I don’t make eye contact. Oh Jesus.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music and food:
A) Movies/Shows: anything with hot boys in it.
B) Books: anything that I can imagine has a hot boy in it. 

C) Music: anything sung by a hot boy. 
D) Food: is the love of my life, thank you for asking.

The six things I could never do without: Twitter, carbs, blankets, health insurance, hyperbole, Hugh Grant.

I spend a lot of time thinking about: why my mother doesn’t understand the difference between emails and texts, Alan Rickman’s exceptional range, Peano Axioms, starting a cereal called Fellati-os, baby otters, how people can wear jeans all day and still love themselves, why Simon & Garfunkel broke up, wave/particle duality.

On a typical Friday night I am: getting into my pajamas if it takes my friends longer than 6 minutes to text me back with solid and enticing plans.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit: I’ve never seen Spice World despite loving the Spice Girls more than anyone else I know. (DO I EVEN LOVE THEM????) I’ve cried about the fact that the 1960s are over. I have no idea how hotel key cards work.

I’m looking for: Someone who knows not to talk during Ricky & Morty, Sherlock, and The Bachelorette. Also can’t have read receipts on. Also please smell like freshly baked cookies. Also please used varied sentence structure (one of us should).

You should message me if: You know how to change wiper blades; you are John Krasinski (JK, stay with Emily Blunt and your adorable baby); and/or you are a majority shareholder of Cinnabon.