What The Different Leftovers In My Fridge Would Be Like As Boyfriends


Birthday Cake.

BC is the younger guy you date because you’re scared of getting older and feel like going out with guys who still wear cuff bracelets and have hair that defies gravity will make you look 21 again. At first it’s all fun and games. He’s impressed by your apartment and ability to shop at places other than H&M and your friend’s closet, not to mention his libido is higher than you were that one year at Coachella. But after having to constantly Urban Dictionary things on the sly to understand what he’s saying and insist that buying toilet paper is actually necessary, you realize you need to date a grown up.

Jack-In-The-Box Mozzarella Sticks.

Does it still count as a relationship if you were always drunk and never saw him outside of the hours of 2 and 4 AM?

Half-Eaten Burrito

Ah old faithful. This is the guy you sort of dated in college and now still see from time to time, or maybe he’s the bartender you brought home and the sex was so good you still hit him up every now and again. He’s a little more than a booty call because you know his middle name and all, but he’d never be your boyfriend because he still quotes Fight Club like it’s his religion. You know there’s no longevity with the situation (he’s definitely not someone you’d want to introduce to your mom) but you love the way he makes you feel so you’re keeping him around for now. Best part? He’s even better right away in the morning.

Shrimp Fried Rice.

Definitely a summer hookup. He’s the type of guy you make out with under the dock and convinces you to stay up until 10-o-clock. You know you’re never going to have to see him again so you enjoy him while he’s there and Instagram the fuck out of his beautiful, ocean soaked hair and whatever sunset he’s nonchalantly posing in front of so you have something to brag about to your friends when you go home after the break.

Greek Salad.

The couple that works out together ends up fighting like crazy together. You aren’t going to end up going viral for your CrossFit engagement photos. Stop kidding yourself.

Olive Garden Breadsticks.

For whatever reason he never left your hometown but whenever you go back for family reunions you hit him up for drinks and reminiscing. He’s the type of guy you WISH would move to where you are now, but you know it’s never going to happen. He’s much more content staying with what he knows so you’ve just accepted that the once a year beer is all the two of you will ever be.

Roasted Red Pepper Soup.

Oh so it’s officially cuffing season. Got it.

Fancy Restaurant Food.

This is the kind of guy your parents want you to be with. They always try to rub him in your face when they’re in town and while yeah, you don’t hate him and aren’t going to kick him out of bed, the two of you just don’t seem to mesh 100%. You’re more $1 beers, jukeboxes, and Sunday games; he’s more calamari, smooth jazz, and $85 bottles of wine. You don’t really compliment each other because he believes in cufflinks and you believe everything is better when it comes from a vintage store. Even though you wish it worked because you’d love to go buy some $400 Dior sunnies on someone else’s dime, it doesn’t.


He. Just. Gets. You. He doesn’t judge you, doesn’t try to make you someone you aren’t. He’s just there for you. He’s adaptable and kind, spontaneous and fun. He’s the perfect man, to be totally honest. And every time you talk about him in that gooey, lovey way you piss all of your friends off because they wish they had him.

Two-Day-Old Guac.

Don’t risk it, girl. Just don’t risk it.