What To Do When A Ghost Comes Back

What should we do when an old friend or lover or hookup suddenly reappears and wants to reconnect?

Stay in the present moment.

That’s always the answer. That is always the way to happiness. I swear it.

It’s very simple, but not always easy. Our ego gets in the way, whispering (or maybe yelling angrily), “He didn’t text you back after you had sex — block him! Put a higher price on yourself!” or, “She owes you money from 10 years ago. Don’t speak to her, she doesn’t deserve it!” Maybe it’s saying, “She never spoke to you in school. If she apologizes properly, then maybe you can go for a drink with her,” or even, “He cheated on you — now you can give him the treatment he deserves.”

Don’t follow your ego — it doesn’t want the best for you.

Don’t look at your old friend through the lens of the past — stay in the present moment.

Just take a breath and BE PRESENT with your friend (whether on the phone or video chat or reading their email).

What is her first sentence? Is she saying hello? Say hello back (without snark).

Now, the next sentence — is he asking if you are married? Answer truthfully (there is no danger).

Are you curious about him? Then ask him where he has been living since he left or what he has been doing. Do you like that city? Say so.

And the conversation can go on.

I’m not saying forget the past, I’m just saying don’t let old emotions rule your present experience; don’t let the past drag you into anger and resentment.

You could ask your friend if she remembers leaving without paying you back and you could ask her if she would make amends for that. Say it with love. It needs to be said with love because it is good for you both. Tell your hookup that your feelings were hurt when he ghosted you and you’d really appreciate understanding what was going through his mind when he did that. Ask with compassion and curiosity, not arrogance. It’s good for you both.

He’s just a soul going through a human experience like you. We all are.

And one more thing: don’t start the conversation with a goal. Goals are for games. Relationships are not games, they are dances. Enjoy the music and feel your way.