What We Give In Love Is More Important Than What We Want From Love


“What do you want in a person?” It has become such a common and frequent question and individuals immediately answer holding their long, grocery-like list with a dreamy look in their eyes. I will hold my hand up and say guilty. Yes, I have definitely done this. But, one thing I have learned from my parents’ marriage and various life experiences is maybe a question that we should be asking is what we will give that person when they magically stumble into our lives?

It is human nature to desire certain qualities and characteristics and those may play a significant role when falling in love. However, maintaining that love and appreciation is not really about what you want at all. It is more so about what you give, what you give with genuine intentions and wholeheartedly.

It may be the spiritual junkie in me, but I swear by the flow of energy. I am an avid supporter of the concept that the people surrounding you can feel any energy you transmit despite how different your words or actions may be. Forget romantic relationships for a minute; this even applies to friendship. Even as a friend, you may have certain wants or expectations. I want honest, support, loyalty, love, etc.

You may become so focused on your demands and the person across from you wants exactly the same thing. If everyone is wanting and no one is ready to give, the love gets lost somewhere. Give support, give loyalty, give honesty, give love, give all of these good vibes and more but not at the cost of depleting yourself of course. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. While keeping in mind, that it becomes a fine balance because one cannot continue to give genuinely if they do not take care of themselves.

Do not be a stranger to yourself. Understand the things that make you happy and do not lay that responsibility of fulfillment on someone else’s shoulders. Let me give you an example. I often hear people say I wish someone would get me flowers, take me to get a massage, or on this exotic trip. And to make things better, we even go as far to make love conditional. If he or she loves me, he will do all of these things. Why do we create this unnecessary barrier preventing us from reaching our destination of happiness?

What is holding you back from getting yourself that bouquet you love so much, or scheduling that hot stone massage, or even booking tickets to Seville? You feel that you deserve it, right? So, just do it. Yes, do it for yourself. Spoil yourself and do all the things that you used to wish someone would do for you. I promise you one thing: the joy you will feel will not be any less. And that’s what I mean by not being a stranger to yourself. When you pamper and revive yourself, you have even more to give. And, happiness just attracts more happiness.

One thing not to lose sight of…and that is you, your time, and your energy are the most valuable asset in your possession. Not everyone may deserve it and it is upto your discretion who does. Because when we give too much to the wrong person, we may end up just draining ourself. Therefore, it is crucial to take a step back and evaluate the quality of that relationship. Where there is disrespect or negative energy, then it may be due for some spring cleaning. You prioritize your time because you prioritize you.

A story that always warms my heart is of a couple that has been married for over 20 years now. There seems to be this constant tender aura surrounding them and one day at a dinner party, I finally asked them, “What’s your secret? Even after so long, you make each other glow.” She looked at him and said, “We give to each other…everyday even if it is small things.”

He replied, “I make her a cup of tea every morning even if we had a terrible argument the day before. I made a promise to her in front of all of our loved ones and I always know that even those bumps in the road will pass. We will make sure of that.” Her last lines were, “We make it a point to stay in tune with each other and never sweep anything under the rug-whether that is big or small. The most wonderful thing though is that we have always been in tune with ourselves. We were complete when we met each other–we just made the decision to choose each other every day too.”

What’s the bottom line?

Give to yourself to be whole. Then, give to others because you want to and without expectations. Happiness attracts happiness. Love is not about wanting but rather about giving.

“Love is not only something you feel, it is something you do.”
— David Wilkerson.

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