What We Think During Home Workout Videos


Workout videos are wonderful. You’re telling me I can get all of the benefits of a gym in the comfort of my own home and stained yoga pants and in just 20 minutes? Sign me up! But workout videos are hard. And there are a lot of distractions. Like sitting down on the couch. And really anything.

Take for instance, one of my favorites, Jillian Michaels’ 30 Day Shred. I have a love/hate relationship with this workout video…

I pop open the DVD and slide it in the player. Level one. My weights are ready and my neon pink elastic headband is ready to hold my hair back as I get into shape.

Jillian comes on the screen. Her abs are on point. That’s so unfair. Well, it is her job to be in shape. My job requires me to sit on my ass all day. OK, let’s do this. Oh, first we have to meet her friends. Do you think they ever hook up? I’m thinking yes.

Alright let’s start. Getting warmed up. Jumping jacks. Great, I feel good. “If 400 pound people can do jumping jacks so can you.” Shoot, they can? FINE.

What the hell are these knee circles? I’m glad no one can see me doing this.

Feeling good, feeling warmed up. Grab my weights wait, what push ups? I’m doing the girl version. I’ll build my way up. “This is a really hard move.” You’re so right Jillian, it is hard.

She told me I can rest for 5 seconds, it’s only been like 4.

Ok I can do it. Keep pushing. Cardio, yes. The dogs are in here. Dammit, no, the weights are not your chew toys! What did I miss? Whatever I can jump back in.

My legs are burning. I HATE YOU JILLIAN. She said a few more, I counted to 3 and we’re still doing them. Does she not know the definition of “a few”. Two more my ass.

No, I’m doing it.

I hate lunges. Who invented lunges? NATALIE IS CHEATING. Jillian are you seeing this?! YELL AT HER. She never lunged. No lunges were had.

Fine, but if they can cheat then so can I.

I’m so sweaty how much longer do I have? This is a lot longer than 20 minutes so basically she lied.

Ok abs, where are you? I’m just going to lie here for one second. I wish I didn’t eat those french fries last night. I mean, they were really good and I didn’t eat the fried chicken. I had a salad so it balances out. I’ll take a walk later too.

Oh shit, where are we? Anterior raises and a side lunge. What the hell is this? I’m tired. Yes, tush back behind you to the side. I hate this. I hate this so much.

Bikini season is coming, get over it. Last segment, thank God. I wonder how many calories I burned. I need to Google that after that. I wonder if people still use Yahoo answers. Dammit, my hair’s in my eyes. These elastic headbands never work.

This is the lowest I can go, ok? This is pretty freaking low. Yes, I am breathing. Barely. Oh man two more moves. Inhale, exhale.

I did it. I might be dying but I did it.

Do I really have to do the stretches? UGH fine. Is it bad to eat cheese immediately after your workout?

Yes, I feel the pull. I want to take a nap now.

Yes, Jillian I will see you tomorrow. Thank you, I did do a good job. No, I am not shredded.

Oh thank God, this is over.