What You Say In Job Interviews Vs. What You’re Truly Thinking

I hate job interviews more than anything else in the entire world. I’m bad at them. I get too nervous. And I’m at a place in life right now where I need a job so badly that I’m applying to jobs that I don’t give a shit about, so that’s where most of my apathy toward impressing corpsey-women in business suits comes from.

Forgive me if I’m not spewing enthusiasm over this ice cream parlor position, but I have cooler things to do, like, anything else besides this. Here are my top five stupid fucking interview questions that I’m tired of answering. (I’ll start wearing a sign with the answers printed in huge letters following the phrase, “JUST HIRE ME PLEASE? OK.”)

1. Tell me about yourself.

Reality: I’m perfect, thanks for asking!

Honesty: Well, the last year has been a complete mess, and now I’m here trying to get my life together. I dropped out of college to follow my dreams, and then I couldn’t find a job for like 500 days, so I’m stuck finding a shitty job so that I can finish what I really want to do, which is not this by the way.

2. Why should we hire you?

Reality: I am successful in everything, and I am super smart! Ask me anything! Yes, I am google searching the answer. One moment, please.

Honesty: Because I’m sooo poor.

3. Where do you see yourself in five years?

Reality: Why, president of this company! Unless you’re president at that time, then I’ll be your successor. After you’re dead, of course.

Honesty: Certainly not here, not anywhere near this place.

4. Why do you want to work here?

Reality: This is the best company ever, and you look really pretty today! Has anyone ever told you that before? Wink.

Honesty: I don’t necessarily want to work here, but I really need a job.

5. Why did you quit your last job?

Reality: Because I want to work here, at whatever this place is! Don’t you see how enthused I am to work here!?!? Please hire me. I will do anything. ANYTHING.

Honesty: It sucked.