What Your Ex Says About You Behind Your Back


Do you ever wonder what your exes say about you behind your back? Even worse, do you ever imagine what would happen if they all hung out together? The thought of all my ex-boyfriends getting together and shooting the breeze sends a chill down my paranoid spine. In case that actually ever does happen (because you never know, okay? The gay world is smaller than the straight world), I’m going to beat them to the punch and make some educated guesses.

Hate me, love me, or don’t give a crap about me. Those are the three options my ex-boyfriends will have. Depending on the relationship we had, they will either think I’m sensitive and thoughtful, or an evil no good terrible person. One ex would say, “Ryan was really nice and really cared about me. He was a good one.” and another would yell, “Um, really? He treated me like crap. Are you sure you two dated?” One person would also probably say, “Who’s Ryan? Where am I?” (What? You’ve never had a blackout relationship?)

Someone will think I’m clingy and slightly psychotic. I couldn’t let go of them even when they clearly had already let go of me. Another ex might find me to be distant and manipulative. I would blow them off, make them feel bad, and be an overall prick. I’m confident, however, that one of my exes will think of me as normal, nice and sweet. We just weren’t right for each other. I like that ex-boyfriend.

I’m realizing that there would be no cohesive opinion amongst my exes because I met them all at the Relationship Buffet. The Relationship Buffet is a place you go when you’re still figuring stuff out. You can take little samples of everything and think to yourself, ‘I think I like this” or “This tastes like ass.” By tasting all of these different relationship flavors, you’ve learned a lot about what you like and what you don’t like. One of the “sides” you tasted might think you’re an asshole because you didn’t like it and spit it back up. “Rude! Am I not tasty enough for you?” Another “dish” got annoyed because you liked it too much and you wouldn’t stop eating it. “Jesus Christ, please stop eating me. I want someone better to devour me!” When your Relationship Buffet binge is over, your stomach hurts. You realize you have an allergy to certain foods while also discovering that you have a taste for others. The whole experience leaves you totally exhausted.

Despite what is ever said about me, I have to remember that someone is my ex-boyfriend for a reason. Maybe it’s because they couldn’t {or wouldn’t} love all of me or vice versa. The dynamic of our relationship may have magnified one side of my personality and kept the other half silenced, which painted an inaccurate portrayal of who I really was. Their opinions are entirely formed by the sliver of time we spent together, and that time may have totally sucked. Ergo, I suck? I don’t! I promise! We just suck when we’re together. Get it?

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image – Kevin Cortopassi