What Your Favorite Disney Movie Says About You, Part II
By Thoughtis
Robin Hood: Somehow, I wouldn’t be surprised if you were for a little more wealth distribution. You probably voted for Obama, you might really identify with Occupy Wall Street, and you get violently angry when you watch (or even think about) the film Inside Job. That, or you think dancing, British woodland creatures are so adorable it hurts.
Tarzan: Not only did Tarzan come at an incredibly important moment (where you were sure to get the N*SYNC version of Trashin’ the Camp as well as the movie one), Tarzan made you think about a lot of really tender family things. You may have seriously considered adoption, wondered why there are so many white guys with guns being total dicks in Disney movies, and appreciated how big Jane’s butt was. You probably identified with Jane quite a bit, let’s be honest, and now Phil Collins and jungle skateboarding hold an extremely special place in your heart. That jungle skateboarding, depicted as so deceptively effortless, left you with the thought, “Hey, that looks totally do-able! I should go into the woods behind my house and slide down some branches this afternoon! BYE MOM!”
Freaky Friday: Sometimes you think about how cute Lindsay Lohan was, how much was just going right for her, and how much potential lay ahead of her…and then you get really, really sad and have to sit down for a minute.
Beauty and the Beast: First and foremost, you love yourself some books. Some people have porn, you have that scene where Beast reveals to Belle the library that he is now giving over to her, as he knows it’s what she would love more than anything in the world. No human being will ever romantically live up to you in your life now, as no one will be able to present you with an 8,000 square-foot Baroque library in the middle of a French castle to use at your discretion. You also have a soft spot in your heart for provincial France, Stockholm Syndrome, teacups with tiny chips on their rim, and furniture that springs to live to give you fabulous dating advice. Essentially, when you dream and go to that happy place, you are Belle.
Newsies: From now, likely until the end of time, you will see Christian Bale in movies being so super serious and acting really, really hard and you’ll just be like “LOL come on put on your cap and sell some papers you silly billy.”
Homeward Bound: Though you fully accept that Milo and Otis will forever be the gold standard when it comes to the brief-but-culturally-important “Lost, Anthropomorphic, Ragtag Animals On A Crazy Journey Back To Their Suburban Owners” genre (and you had better), you still have a tender spot for Homeward Bound. You may have shed a tear or two over that golden retriever, and no one would ever judge you for it.
James and the Giant Peach: It’s safe to assume you love all things Roald Dahl, because let’s be honest, those that didn’t grow up reading that Svengali of Touching British Wisdom’s works just…doesn’t get it. And they’ll never get it. They can’t appreciate things as nuanced, as culturally important, or as delightfully whimiscal as the Peach. If this is your movie, you are way into reading, you knew how to pronounce “Roald” at 7, and nothing terrifies you more than the thought of cloud rhinos coming down and eating your family one idle Sunday afternoon.
Flubber: You don’t care what critics say, poorly CGI’d balls of green Jell-O and Robin Williams will always have a special place in your heart.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame: Umm, essentially you had balls of steel at 8 years old if this was your Disney film of choice. You’re like, “Whatever, I’m totally into physical deformities, racial profiling, genocide, religious corruption, repressed sexual desire, murder, blackmailing, and the general horror that was medieval France. I get it.” You straight up watched a super-religious Lord lock a family in a house and set it on fire–FIRE–in the interest of squishing their race out like ants, and you were like “This movie is for me.” Hats off to you, sir, because even as a 22-year-old woman, this movie makes me sad inside. I watch it, and I love it, but I have my super serious face on and spend most of the movie shaking my head.
Jungle 2 Jungle: You saw this movie and were like, “God has given me another Johnathan Taylor Thomas. God is good.”
The Princess Diaries: I assume it’s all of you people that really liked this mediocre-at-best film that’s keeping Anne Hathaway so steadily employed. Know that I’m putting the blame on your shoulders. And I know you’re like, “But she was phenomenal in Rachel Getting Married!” And I’m just like, “Feh. She’s no Streep.” And you’re like “But she has a really consistent body of work.” And I’m like, “She is okay. But let’s put down the Princess Diaries Crack Pipe and stop pretending she’s the next Helen Mirren.”
The Incredibles: You are very adept in recognizing this movie as the best Pixar movie, hands down. Get at me, Wall-E fans, get at me.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Let me guess, you like saying “Why is the rum gone?”, corsets, sword fights that last for about thirty years too long, and Johnny Depp swaying back and forth for an hour or so at a time. In all seriousness, though, the one thing that can be gathered about die-hard PotC fans is that they love–nay, they live for–quoting the hell out of this movie at any and all times (when it was not terribly funny to begin with).
George of the Jungle: You don’t take life too seriously, you don’t need Brendan Fraser to be this generation’s Marlon Brando to appreciate his appeal, and you love funny movies about bananas and a beautiful, beautiful, mostly naked man.
Up: That silent scene, that quiet little five minutes with the soft piano music behind it, changed you in a way you don’t know if you understand yet. You remember everyone–everyone–in the theater crying, holding hands, and being totally unashamed about it. Up made you feel something so real it’s almost uncomfortable, and showed children something many adults aren’t ready to acknowledge. You will remember Up for the rest of your life.
Aristocats: You’re a terrible, terrible human being.