What Your Petty Crime Of Choice Says About You

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Whether we like to admit it or not, we all commit little innocent crimes in our day-to-day lives. From downloading free music online to stealing the neighbor’s Wi-Fi, we’re all guilty of one infraction or another. Let’s see what your little rule-break says about you:

1. Jaywalking

You are the baddest mother-fucking bitch to ever grace these streets. You don’t just jaywalk you jaySTOMP. You emanate bad-assery. The sheer magnitude of your swagger is blinding. The catchy song “Strut” from the cult-classic Disney Channel Original Movie Cheetah Girls is the constant soundtrack of your WORLD. How did you live in a previous life? Parisian runway model. Your roommate was a married man with a questionable sexuality that encouraged you to refer to him as Esmé. He worshipped the ground that you walked on. As do we.

2. Shoplifting                                               

So you have quick hands? That’s respectable! You’re nimble. You dress inconspicuously. A lot of grays and dark blues. Nothing loud, nothing flashy. You just do you. So they have your picture taped up at Claire’s? Who cares! A few silver watches here, a dozen pairs of jeans there, no one minds! They probably don’t even notice, right? Right. You actually work in retail. Can’t get away from the action I guess. You like wearing beanies. There was an incident involving a black eye in your young adult life, but it was just a misunderstanding. You know that! You think everyone just needs to chill. And they do! Your moral line between right and wrong is mostly a blur. Just like those hands.

3. Not Tipping Your Waiter/Waitress 

Now I understand that this isn’t technically illegal but listen up you little shit. You are the scum of this earth. Nay, less than that, you are the blistering ear pimple on the adolescent anatomy of life. Your hobbies include hissing at newborn babies and defacing the White House. Your favorite ice cream flavor is sand. You only wear Ed Hardy clothing and you tell all your friends that Creed is saving the music industry. Flowers wilt as you walk by them. You are incapable of experiencing love. You deserve jail time but the government has yet to make this crime illegal. You’re lucky. Too lucky..

4. Graffiti/Tagging

You. Are. An Artist. One of the greats. The color of your aura is not a single shade but a constantly changing palette. Your friends humbly wait for your artistic brilliance to add dashes of exuberance to their dull, gray lives. You don’t think outside the box because there is no box! What is a box? A mere assortment of lines? This is one of the many questions that keep you up at night. Of course you don’t sleep! Your art never stops. People of the living generations do not understand your work, we are much too naïve. Audiences have been grappling with the meaning behind your most recent work entitled “JohNnY LaRs0n SuXx DiCk” displayed on a bathroom stall at Rowan High. What rhythm! What word play! Such brilliant ebb and flow! I know that only you can truly understand its depth, for you are an artist.

5. Going Above The Speed Limit (a tad)

You are always on the move. Gotta win. Get to school. Get to work. Get to bed. Power nap. Power nap. Power nap. You’re a machine. You’re a killer. Ready to conquer the world! Your name is Flash. Dash. Usain. Just gotta move. You hit the gym everyDAY. Your favorite machine is the Stairmaster. You are going UP UP UP! Drink of choice? Adrenaline. Nothing but gold. Eye on the target. Dream chaser. You are self-absorbed but with reason! Move. Move. Move. You were a track star in a previous life. And you’re a super star in this one.