What Your Ticketmaster “Order Processing Fee” Is Really Used For


There’s a special place in hell for the people that work at Ticketmaster.

We’ve all been livid about the insane “order processing fees” that are, at times, 20-40% of the actual ticket price tacked on to our totals. If you think such a fee would be fixed and not a percentage of the actual ticket, you’d be wrong. Of course, if you opt to not have your tickets overnighted to you for $15 by a flying gold dragon, then you have a printing fee, or “convenience charge.” What’s that, you say? Ticketmaster charges you to use your own ink and own paper to print tickets.

It made news last week that the band The String Cheese Incident sent their assistants to the Greek Theater to buy tickets for face value directly from the venue so they could then resell them to their fans and avoid the normal fees associated with buying tickets through the internet. This is of course, genius and should be done by more bands that truly care about their fans (I’m talking to you Bono).

So what does Ticketmaster do with that insane, variable “order processing fee” they charge the hard-working public?

  • Dinosaur petting zoo
  • When an employee has a birthday at the company they buy him/ her a cake from each and every bakery in the LA metro area
  • Every female employee gets a brand new and different Vera Wang bridal dress to wear every day for work
  • Company uses gold plated jet skis for use on Lake Cuomo, Italy
  • Weekly donations made directly to the household of the Kardashian family
  • Cloning tiny versions of every Ticketmaster employee’s dog so then their dog can have its own dog, which is a miniature version of itself
  • Complimentary pet psychics
  • Daily concerts in the employee kitchen by Luciano Pavoratti
  • Afternoon grilled cheese with all those really cool expensive cheeses
  • Champagne shampoo
  • That “you must use a brand new macbook every time you write a new email” policy
  • Free iPhone 9s
  • The bathroom attendant is George Clooney
  • Unlimited access to Ryan Seacrest’s sweater collection
  • Hired Victoria’s Secret models to stand in the break room and look at you with silent disdain as you eat vending machine peanut butter crackers
  • The pilates instructor is Richard Simmons after 3 rails of coke
  • Louis Vuitton toilet paper
  • Chauffeured limo service to and from all board meetings down the hall
  • The security guards are all samurais that have time traveled from feudal Japan
  • The building itself is made of one giant Coach purse
  • Morgan Freeman will return all the phone calls you’ve been ignoring from your mom
  • The walls of your cubicle are all trained zombie versions of the Beatles
  • Free plane rides to Rome for lunch
  • Hover swivel chairs

So you see, Ticketmaster desperately needs your money to keep its office up and running. Your hard earned dollars all go to a very charitable cause. They are truly doing the Lord’s work over there.

Thank you Ticketmaster, thank you for saving us. Please enjoy your peanut butter crackers.

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