What’s So Bad About Being A Dumb B*tch?


As a somewhat famous journalist/pundit/author/whatever you want to call me, I get a lot of email.

While the overwhelming majority of it is extremely positive and borderline sycophantic, I do get hate mail from time to time. For the most part, I find hate mail amusing, but it is upsetting to me that I see the same things over and over. Almost every single time, I see some variation of the following:

“You’re a dumb bitch.”

“You aren’t funny.”

First of all, it’s 2014, can we please stop pretending like women aren’t funny? Women are absolutely funny! Tina Fey, Jane Lynch, Me. Do you need any more evidence? Case closed.

But, really, I’m a dumb bitch? Yeah? Well, so what? I’m fucking hot and people like me. What’s the problem with being a dumb bitch? What, just because I’m not a brainiac I’m not entitled to the massive audience and fanbase I have? We all have to be smart? That’s bullshit.

You know who is smart? Nerds.

You know what nerds aren’t good at? Anything but being smart.

Who wants to read what some four-eyed loser has to say about experiencing their twenties? “Oh it’s so scary trying to find yourself in the basement of the library. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in life – math or chemistry.” You want a bunch of articles titled, This is What It Feels Like To Never Fuck Or Kiss by Books McNumbers? No thanks, poindexter. The world would be incredibly boring if everyone was smart.

Furthermore, you probably aren’t particularly smart either. If you were, why would you spend all your time getting angry about articles you don’t like and announcing your intellect in shitty feedback? What are you, the fucking John Nash of the comments section? “Ma’am, yuh articule has o-ffended my sensibilities.” And then you go back to working on some divine algorithm to measure precisely how small your dick is.

I swear to God I feel like there’s a war on idiots right now.

For some reason, it’s just not okay to be of below average intelligence. What the fuck is that? For all the shit I get for calling my students retarded (which they are – they are retarded people who suffer from mental retardation) you’d think there’d be some sympathy for myself as a generally not-too-bright individual.

I guess not? Maybe that’s because you don’t have any real empathy to begin with and you’re just parroting some dogmatic liberal rhetoric about why saying ‘retarded’ is bad, all the while ignoring the actual people the word represents. You’re not demonstrating empathy by playing semantic hot-potato when it comes to retarded nomenclature, you’re simply avoiding the underlying issue. The issue being no, some people are not born equal. Some people are severely fucked up, and that’s okay. You shuffle these people around under the guise of progress when euphemistically you’re just putting them in the attic so you don’t have to think about them anymore. If you actually got to know a retarded person, you wouldn’t have to worry about what to call them because you’d know their fucking name.

That’s the truth right there. I mean, really–retarded, mentally disabled, intellectually challenged–whatever you want to call them, it’s essentially an arbitrary label. Legally speaking, I think the cut off is an IQ of like 70. If you have an IQ of below 70 you’re “mentally disabled,” and treated as a sacred cow amongst progressives, but if you’ve got an IQ of 80 and a blog, you’re a fucking idiot and it’s perfectly acceptable to lambaste and belittle you publically. If you happen to fall in the intelligence gap of below 100 but not in that sweet retardation zone, you just exist in this shitty valley of neglected intellectual capacity. It’s like a fucked up tax bracket where you get no emotional subsidies and the only purpose you serve is to make people of average intelligence feel better about themselves.

Yeah, I’m stupid, but so are a lot of people, and we’re the backbone of this society. Who do you think consumes all the shit pop culture that drives the economy? You want to live in a world without dummies? Who is going to manage the guy that bags your groceries, or schedule the woman that tears your tickets at the movie theater? Who is going to pull the switch at Huntsville?

Most importantly, though – Who is going to drum up page views and express their unsolicited opinions en masse, contribute to the culture of narcissism we live in, and keep the app and social media based economy we have going? Me and my dumbass friends, that’s who.