When I Was in a Band
By Lesley Arfin
I’ve always wanted to be in a band. Still do. I don’t play any instruments, unless you count the instrument that is my voice, which I do. I also can sort of play the saxophone. That was what I played in elementary school and it was my second choice for instruments. My first choice was drums but they were already taken. Sax was my second choice because Rob Lowe played the sax in St. Elmo’s Fire and I thought he was really cool. I can play “When The Saints Go Marching In” and “The Locomotion” and that’s it.
The first band I was in was called Black Shampoo. It was during my hardcore kid days and Black Shampoo was a jokey band named after a blaxploitation movie I watched one night with my friends Ruby and Ariel. Those are both girls names but Ruby and Ariel are boys. I think Ben Van Dyke was on drums, not sure.
In the Long Island hardcore scene, bands fell into two categories: “joke punk band” and “super serious hardcore band.” Hint hint. The movie was so stupid that we were like “We have to start a band based on this!” That’s what kids do. They take dumb things and make them dumber. I remember we had only one song. It was called “Mr. Jonathan” (named after the main character of Black Shampoo) and the only lyrics I remember were “Oh Mr. Jonathan/you are the fucking man!” We played the one song at a basement show and guess what? We were amazing.
I was in another band a million years later in my mid 20s. We were called Scary Stories. It was me, my friend Chip, and this chick Millie. There was another girl, a drummer, but she was quiet and I don’t remember her name. We had a practice and we covered the Tom Petty song “I Need to Know.” I was really psyched on us. Then Millie, being the total weirdo bitch that she is, decided one day out of the clear blue that she didn’t want to be in Scary Stories and she didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I was so upset. Her reasoning had something to do with me “being fake” or something. Literally, that was her reason. Out of nowhere. And the worst part is that I’m totally not fake! I know fake people, and I’m nothing like them! I even confronted her and asked if we could talk because “there must be some sort of misunderstanding.” I really wanted the Scary Stories to happen still. She said, “Sorry. I only talk to real people.” WHAT? I don’t feel bad about calling Millie a psychopath. She was hot though.
The third band I was in was called Skits, and this was my favorite of the three. It was me singing, my dude Cris who used to work with me at The Maritime Hotel on guitar, and his friend on drums. I forget his name but he was awesome. The only problem was that he was in another band that was actually good and so he would go on tour and stuff, leaving me and Cris constantly struggling to find a drummer. We had a few practices and played sick Screeching Weasel covers, but it didn’t work out.
Being in a band is hard! Besides finding members who have the same taste as you and are committed, there’s also the scheduling aspect of it. Then there’s the actual “being good” aspect. Maybe not even “being good” so much as the “writing songs” aspect. That shit is not easy.
I have written about this before and some girls have emailed about it but it’s never happened. I’ll say it one last time: WHO WANTS TO BE IN A BAND WITH ME? I sing, I like punk, I have good moves, and I think we can rule. If you know a drummer or are one, it’s plus. My boyfriend tells me drummers are the hardest to find.
Anyway, you can find me on Facebook. I say yes to everyone.