When Loneliness Becomes Your Best Friend

As a kid, I never really knew what SHE looked like
I relied on what the older people would tell me
That loneliness was that kid sitting alone
At the corner of the room
Watching other kids do what they do best
Without her

The first time I saw her
Was on the first day of kindergarten
I didn’t know who she was
I didn’t even know we were seatmates
She wore a white blouse
With matching checkered bow tie
Checkered skirt
And black shoes with white socks
I would never forget how enthusiastic she was in class
That teachers would always reprimand her for being so noisy
But what amuses me the most is how she smiles as if it doesn’t matter
She made me believe that the older people were lying
That loneliness wasn’t only about sadness
That loneliness could be happy too.

Eventually, we became close friends
Every day, we’d eat lunch together
I’ve introduced her to my friends
But none of them really liked her
They tried,
But they told me they didn’t need anyone like her in their lives
She was sad, she cried to me about it
And I was there, constantly reassuring her that she had me
I accepted her completely not knowing who she really was,
Or what she really does

It came to the point that my friends got annoyed
That they left me because she was always with us
And I understand
No one really needed loneliness in their lives

There was this time I left loneliness
Just to return to my friends
But she never stopped following me
She was always beside me
Always behind my shadows
She even pops out of nowhere
Especially when I don’t need her to

My friends couldn’t take it and left me behind
And I was so mad at myself because I let her ruin me
I was mad at myself because I let her
Become a factor of why I suddenly have no one
But her

For six years of my life, loneliness was there.
I actually found out a lot about her
Loneliness likes playing the piano
When there was no one to listen
Because it’s only one of the few times
that she could feel at peace
By herself
Without having to pretend
She also likes playing the guitar
Especially when she needed to hurt herself
Cause notes have sharp ends
And calloused fingers made it worst
It’s when she plays video games or arcade driving
That you would know if she’s too deep into her thoughts
And I found out
Loneliness loves Pokemon

Loneliness became the reason I started to smile beyond my pain
She taught me to become self-dependent
To trust less
Because you only have yourself
She taught me to always be there for anyone
Because I, of all people, should know what it feels like to have no one

I’ve gotten used to being with her
That I forgot that loneliness gets tired too
That not only people change, but feelings too
Loneliness changed
Loneliness disappeared
But I didn’t care
Because I thought
That choosing to be with her
Was the biggest mistake I’ve ever done
And now I feel like a dog
Safely cradled between the arms of my new owner,
Satisfaction

Satisfaction made me ask myself why I’ve always stuck with loneliness
When there are little things in life that could make me happy
But maybe it’s because I look for attention
In all the wrong places
From all the wrong people
That I let these things dictate what really makes me happy
Satisfaction made me feel safe in my own house
While loneliness made me feel like a guest in my own room
So I clung to satisfaction as if HE was my lifeline
But it was never the same with him
His grip on me was light as if losing me didn’t matter
As if WE, were only temporary
And so we were

Time to time,
I would look for loneliness in everything that I do
It’s funny how I have this insane attitude
Of looking for things that does nothing but hurt me

3rd year, loneliness and I became classmates
We never really talked to each other, I never really tried
I was too scared to lose what old people called pride

But there was this time that I saw her
At the corner of the room
Still smiling brightly
But I never missed the way she held her pencil case
As if it was the only thing keeping her alive
I never missed the way her eyes moist, close to tears
But she tells me not to worry
Cause even though she’s not okay
It’s okay

That was the day I realized
That she clung to me because I was all she had
After all these time, I never really knew who she really was
For all I know, she could be the star of a theatre guild
Since she likes to pretend so much

Looking back at the time I first met loneliness
No one really knew that it was her
We all had to find out for ourselves
My mom used to tell me that loneliness
Would never go near me as long as I have my family
As long as I have my friends
But they forgot to tell me that loneliness knew how to pretend
That she knew how to keep everything behind a smile

I know exactly what loneliness looks like
Loneliness stands in a room full of people
Wearing a mask that carries a face of a happy person
Telling people that she’s okay
When inside, she feels so alone
Loneliness is me

I know exactly what loneliness looks like
But most importantly
I know exactly what loneliness feels like.