When Love Is Beautiful And Painful At The Same Time


You called me in the middle of the night after a few months of not hearing from you. I saw your number flash into my phone screen and my heart immediately pumped faster than it should. A universe of emotions, of what if’s, of unspoken words and feelings immediately came pouring down on me.

l mustered every ounce of courage in my system as I pick up my phone and uttered a very meaningful hello. You were on the other line, in the middle of what seems to be a dream, and it was perfect. You spoke of my name as if it was a familiar melody I haven’t heard of for quite a while.

The good old memories came flashing instantly in my mind. I remember how we used to talk for hours about the things that excite us. How much we enjoy eachother’s company and how you made me feel important and cared for every single time. You were my constant go-to- person, the one whom I can comfortably talk to and open up to without any hesitations.

You were there, constantly. Even during the time that we decided to be just friend, even during the day I decided to move to another city, and the days thereafter; you were still my constant. At one point, I thought we were on the same page.

You sent me signals that swept me off my feet and melted my heart away. Though we were two different individuals from two different sides of the world, we had this understanding. We had something special, or maybe I believed so.

But as the days went by, our conversations got a little less often. Maybe we got caught up in the reality of our everyday work and life that catching up was not as easy to sneak in into a very tight schedule, unlike before. But in the middle of that night, just like before, you were there on the other line. At that very moment, with my heart wanting to jump out of my chest; I heard your voice once more as they slowly utter the most painful words I never thought I would hear from you.

You said you were already with someone for a few months now. You said you felt guilty. You said you wanted to tell me earlier, you wanted to tell me personally, but the chances of us meeting now are quite improbable so you opted to dial my number outright. Maybe alcohol was also partly at fault, but I know you meant everything you said; I felt it.

I was holding back my tears as the pain slowly but surely creeps into my heart. Then you said you are happy, you are both happy. After hearing those words, I realized I was to. I honestly was happy that you were happy. I was out of words, and the only thing I could sincerely think of and say was I was happy for you.

I didn’t understand what I was feeling at that very moment and never have I, in my wildest dreams imagined that I can feel that kind of love. That love that is so selfless and painfully beautiful at the same time. The one that lets you feel genuine happiness amidst knowing that the one you love, loves somebody else.
This love may have painfully crushed me, but it still left with me a lot of beautiful memories. This may have brought me tears but it made you smile. This may have broken me, but it made you whole.

And knowing that I was capable of loving like this made me feel a little less broken every passing day.  I know one day, I will be able to pick up the pieces and be okay again. One day, in another time, with another person, I will be able to wholeheartedly love again.

So, for now, as much as I would still like to share my days to you, my fears, my hopes, my plans, my all; I’m gonna put my phone down. And though things maybe different now, I’d still wish you a colorful fall, warm winter, exhilarating spring, and blue skied summer. This is me saying goodbye to what we could have been. And though our roads maybe heading in seemingly far and different directions, please know that I’ll never forget you.