When You Never Have The Closure You Need

I had a feeling something was up, not just a sudden moment then but that something had been there, subtly, achingly, for a few days. Something that wasn’t the same like the first time we met, not the same in the way we usually spoke, not the same how we always found time for each other. Yet, I pretended like nothing happened. I tried to put on a smile, telling myself that I was just imagining things, that this was normal how things work these days.

Well, nothing was normal. That day, I got a text from him saying, we need to talk. He went on to tell me how what we had wasn’t working out and so, he wanted to end things. And he ended things. Just like that. After a few brief sentences. He was gone and everything we ever had become non-existent. Needless to say, I couldn’t understand or accept any of it. I was left behind with shock, agony and endless questions. Surely, he offered me his reasons but no reason could quite make sense to me why someone you have spent so many intimate moments with could suddenly want nothing to do with you, how they could just switch off all the loving feelings for you in a heartbeat. Is it even humanly possible?

But all that was just the beginning of a long nightmare that I thought I could never wake up from. It wasn’t just the break up that scarred me. It was his abrupt disappearance and the silent treatment he gave me: never replied to texts, never took calls, never returned any form of contact ever. It was scary and cruel. I felt unloved, unwanted, and the worst of all, abandoned. I couldn’t get on with my life because I was never able to fathom why someone could do that to the person they once claimed to love or care about.

And that was how I never had the closure I needed. We weren’t together long but the time I took to get over him seemed like forever. It dragged out for days, then months, then even years. It haunted me and instilled inside of me this fear that everyone would eventually abandon me. And so because of that fear, I acted in a way that actually drove people away from me and ultimately ruined all my other relationships because I wasn’t able to function properly with anyone. I didn’t know how to. I didn’t even have the confidence to.

Fortunately, time is a magical medicine that could ease any kind of pain. After one year and a half, I was finally on my feet again. I was able to see things in a much more objective way without the interference of my intense emotions. And thus, I finally stopped asking questions, stopped blaming myself, stopped obsessing over what went wrong. I looked at the past and accepted that it has happened the way it did. Most importantly, I realized that my relationship failed but I didn’t fail. I was dead wrong for ever thinking that he leaving me meant I was abandoned. No. Adults cannot be abandoned. Adults part ways. We simply parted ways.

It’s true that some people come into your life to teach you how to let go. It’s also true that life will keep throwing at you the same damn kind of lemon until you learn how to deal with it. Evidently, after him, I did meet someone who also left me without a word. Yes, it was unexpected, I was in pain, naturally, humanly. However, the difference was that this time, I didn’t ask myself a thing. I didn’t need to ask myself anything because I already had the only closure I ever needed, which at the time I had failed to realize with my ex: he didn’t want me enough to stay with me, to fight for us, to be present. Why should I even bother with any other reason? He made a choice to leave – that’s already enough truth in there.

I admit that these experiences haven’t been pleasant but in a way I know they were good for me and I’m grateful for the people that ever crossed my paths. I needed them as a reminder, a wake-up call to be strong and grow up, to stop attaching my self-worth to anyone or any kind of relationship, to understand that I’m always whole as the individual I’m, and to stop finding answers that don’t really matter and learn to accept life as it is. Now I finally understand that closure doesn’t come from any specific reason, or a big talk, or the person who left me. No. It comes from within me.