When You Want To Be Dumped So You Can Just Be Single


First things first, shed a few tears when he does it. Tell him you won’t beg him to stay (you don’t want to, duh) and he should find someone who deserves him. But secretly, you’re so relieved. This huge weight gets lifted from your shoulders immediately. Finally, this ball and chain is being removed from your ankle and you can run, skip, jump, be FREEEEE!

When people ask, just tell them it wasn’t working out for either of you. It truly wasn’t. You don’t need to tell people you were sloppily using Tinder hoping to get busted. Eventually, everyone wants to know about what happened so go ahead and post that Facebook status announcing the split and how you’re not working on things and how you’re both happier and yadayadayada…. It’s almost a requirement these days.

Everyone has to know what happened with that perfect couple that just had professional pictures done like two months ago. Do not be afraid to tell people you are much happier though. If they see any sadness or regret then you’ve opened the Pandora’s Box of “Maybe you two should work it out”, or my favorite “Have you even tried talking to him?” NO. NO. NO. Just NO. Everyone wants it to work out way more than you do or ever did. People like happy couples.

Now that all the feelings are sorted out, relax. Do what you want. Go where you want. With whom you want. Actually pursue a few Tinder dates now. It’s kind of fun. You will meet lame guys and fun guys and dick guys and guys that you actually want to be friends with.

Feel zero regret for sleeping with that one guy because honestly, you had to physically move on sometime. Albeit the first time with someone else is weird it is so fun!! Plus, it was great sex. Learning someone else’s body is strange and slightly annoying but they also get to learn yours and that, my friends, is delightful.

Relish your singleness. Stay single for a bit. Date around, sleep around, do whatever you want. Recommit to your awesome self. Commit to staying awesome and not letting yourself stay unhappy for almost two years. Commit to adventure and more trips to the dog park.

Commit to being a better friend. Commit to calling your dad more. Commit to all the things that got sidelined. Commit to kicking ass and taking names. YOU ROCK SO GO GET IT GIRL!

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