White Man Lectures White Girls About Calling Him A “N**ga”

Yesterday on xoJane, one the world’s premier comedy websites, a white man named David Alm wrote a very sensitive—one might even go so far as to call it “painful”—essay about a shocking incident he claims to have suffered on the New York subway.

He identifies himself as “a 38-year-old white man” who “fled my nearly all-white college town in southern Minnesota in 1998” and then went on to prove what a decent, noble, righteous human being he was not only to live among Puerto Ricans, Jews, blacks, and northern African Muslims, but to have lived for six years with a black woman and spawned actual, real-life, glow-in-the-dark black children with her. This guy really goes way the fuck out of his way to stand on a little white soapbox and prove he’s not a racist in the best way known to humankind—by doing NOTHING but constantly talking about race.

In the name of the ever-lovin’ bleedin’ nonwhite Jesus Christ, this cat sounds like the most tolerant—and FUN—white man in the process of fleeing his whiteness in the whole wide world! The essay even boasts a photo of him with his black mating partner, whom it is presumed no longer mates with him since he keeps referring to her in the past tense.

He relates a story of how he was riding the F train to Manhattan, when what should happen but a pair of white girls shrieked at the sight of some black male friends, whereupon he “scowled” because he “couldn’t help it.” Although he doesn’t exactly make it clear, I’m guessing he scowled at the shrieking, not the white girl/black guy scenario, because he also can’t help explaining how he’s not a racist.

After he scowls at them, one of the girls says to the other, “That n**ga just glared at you.” When her friend asks for clarification, she points at him and calls him a “bald-headed n**ga,” whereupon they both start laughing like pale-skinned hyenas at him.

He says “I knew I should ignore them,” but as he’s already made clear, he’s the type of guy who just can’t help himself. He walks up to them and coldly instructs them not to call him a “n**ga.” When they remain defiant to the bald-headed n**ga, he launches into a pious tirade about oppression, history, slavery, hatred, and all the other shit that continues to underline the quite obvious fact that he is one happy-go-lucky n**ga.

Then his essay launches into a boring litany about all the familiar hate-crime porn such as Rodney King and Amadou Diallo and how blacks are permitted to reclaim the word “n**ga” but it still shouldn’t be used by white men who breed with black women and teenage white girls who shriek at the sight of black males. He says that “there is something noble in my anger,” even as the “n**ga”-spewing white girls and their black male friends are laughing their asses off at him.

White n**ga, pleez! The entire scenario is possibly the most hilarious thing I’ve heard all year—white man flees white people to live and breed among black people, and yet white and black people alike treat him like the self-righteous nerd he is when he tries lecturing them about racism.

This story gives me more hope for the future of American race relations than anything I’ve heard in years.