Who Am I If I’m Not Heartbroken Over You Anymore?


I no longer think about you. Drunk. Sober. In a crowded subway. Waiting for my date.

Our song plays and I no longer cringe, instantaneously grabbing to the radio knob. I can eat at the restaurant, the one we had our first date at. I finally unpacked the dress I had on the night you finally told me you loved me. I no longer long for you.

I can’t even place the moment it truly happened. The instance when I realized you were no longer mine. You were a chapter in my past, a chapter never intended to make it to my future. I wouldn’t say it was overnight, but eventually I woke up and realized a part of me no was no longer missing.

I know I should be happy, right? I’m no longer the love sick puppy, putting her life on hold for the boy who will never love her back. I finally have my life back. I should be so unbelievably happy and yet I feel lost.

10 years. I’ve always been that girl. The girl waiting for the boy to realize what’s right in front of her eyes. I spent my life living in slow motion, allowing a piece of myself to always remain missing. I know it wasn’t right. I was so much stronger than that. But, reality is, I always let a piece of me remain missing.

I spent my whole life wanting you. Alienating others along the way.

But, I’m no longer broken. Baby, I’m whole.

…Except I don’t know how to be whole.

I don’t know how to live in a world where you’re not there. Or maybe that’s a lie. I’ve finally learned to live in a world without you. But, I don’t know how to live in a world where I’m happy. Where you no longer linger in the back of my mind during every conversation, every attempt to move on, every moment I get good news.

I’m stronger now. I’m happier now. But, if I’m not the love struck girl, then who am I?