Who Doesn’t Want To Sleep With Vladimir Putin?

1.

I bet he’s got a great collection of booze stashed in his undoubtedly luxurious home. We could have drunken sex on his couch, his soft bed sheets, the rug in his kitchen, the secret bidet, the grand back steps where he probably liked to act out the bit from Rocky, and end on the dining table. Then we’d talk a little about the marathon we’d just had, his stamina, and how the long stretches when I was left to fend for myself were not Putin’s fault. It was actually the rug or the condom brand or my temperamental American vagina.

2.

He’s obviously such a softie for animals. Come on now. You saw that photo of him squishing his face against the Bernese Mountain puppy in his arms. Remember when he shot a gorgeous Siberian tiger, but only after it had gotten the chance to relax with a tranquilizer in a comfy little snare? The Daily Show and I sure do. Putin wants us all to see Russia as a leader in wildlife conservation and works to build this image with carefully staged photo shoots about which he talks in circles. What a smart campaign! Why not have a “rare and injured” snow leopard brought in specifically so that my ‘Puti’ could tag the animal and send it on its way?

If I were his weak human acquaintance with benefits, I would absolutely get down with experimentation and make our safe word “propaganda.”

3.

Sochi hotel rooms, you guys. Oh man. I saw the pictures of rustic elegance that lucky journalists experienced after flying in from their different, most likely cushy non-Russian lives. Some people don’t know how to appreciate good opportunities. They get all, “Forget the gorgeous snow-covered views, forget the Olympics; I want curtains I can use to ignore the landscape and a chair in which to write sad poetry about how much I miss democracy and Pussy Riot.” They complained about the lack of hot water, blah, blah, blah. I’m embarrassed for them. What’s so wrong with having to man up and find a creative way to experience the USSR? No contractor is perfect, people. If something isn’t upwards of four stars, make it work! Have a sense of adventure about the bathrooms that could serve as bomb shelters. Concerned about being ready for your event in the Games? Nerves can be expelled by having to break down your restroom door in order to exit.

Have a sense of humor.

I would revel in the magnetism of Putin’s large portraits displayed in those rooms, oozing all the subtlety of Courtney Stodden and the anatomy of a Ken doll. Surely Putin had his own version of the Chuck Norris meme that we civilians have been kept in the dark about. Imagine the dreams you’d have sleeping under the protection of one Vladimir “I Take Brisk Bear Rides in the Morning” Putin. I’m trembling at the thought.

In fact, this is gettin’ too hot for me.

4.

He claims that a country which laid down its independence for the second time in 1991 should be under his control again. It’s like he’s a controlling, evil child, and, frankly, what’s more attractive than a man who’s got a very prominent inner child? We could plot epic takeovers just for the sheer pleasure of it being like a high-stakes game of Risk! Maybe my schemer, my mountain man would let me have a garden on his new plot of land. After all, he does let women have their way sometimes.