Who Needs Clothes?


French writer Jean Cocteau once wrote, “The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.” I say, sure — if you’re a whore. Twain had it much more spot-on. According to him — an American, by the way — clothes make the man… naked people have little or no influence on society. (Probably explains the greater obscurity found in the former writer’s name.)

Whether you like it or not, what you wear on a daily basis shows a lot about what kind of person you are.

For example, if you are a guy who wears skinny ties, you’re probably more sensitive than that other dude who wears the average broad — but not sensitive in the way a man going back home to hug his mom would be; sensitive in the way a man knowing exactly what kind of mocha-frappa-licious-whatever drink at his regular coffee shop would be: hold the half-and-half, get the skim. Which means that you’re also probably high-maintenance. Like Justin Bieber. (Just look at the hair.) Or like any male celebrity for that matter. Or — don’t get mad because it’s the truth — like any girl. Yeah, men who wear skinny ties are more girl-like than those who wear thick ones. Proof? I mean, just look at the sexual innuendo in that sentence. More proof? Two words: Jude Law.

Don’t even get me started on bow ties. Usually, if you’re the kind of dude who can rock a bow tie, you’re either one of two types. The dude who thinks he can rock a bow tie, but clearly can’t (and so he just comes off as eccentric and smelly), and the dude who actually can rock a bow tie — like Ed Westwick (damn!), or Robert Downey, Jr.

Though actually, Downey is a bit eccentric, huh…

Totally “unlike” those douche bags who wear dress shirts without any tie, especially at work. Talk about trying to make a statement by way of “not making one”. “Look at me, I’m laid back and not at all uptight because I don’t need a tie to make me look all legitimate and serious. Who cares about caring anyway. Down with the establishment. Down with the man! Fuck work. Let’s grab a beer and Facebook while — shit, I just lost an account…” No shit. For your own sake, just wear a damn tie.

But by now you’re thinking — with all the legitimate judging going on just based off of what type tie you wear — why wear clothes at all? Might as well go naked and let the world judge you on a more accurate basis. Your god-given body structure, for one. Or the size of your penis, for another. How about how many scars you have? Clothes just cover up all that’s real with you anyway, right? I mean, take a look at one of society’s most unreal skirts. Lady Gaga. Look at all that shit she covers herself up with. A complete freak of nature. Why so damn influential then? Maybe it’s because more than 95% of the time, what she passes off as “clothing” is actually nothing at all. How’s that for a mind-blowing paradox?

Maybe the French dude had something going with his one-liner after all. Either that, or he was just a whore. Like Lady Gaga.

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