Why Chris Christie Is Now The Biggest F*ck In American Politics


Meet New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.

Source: Giphy

Elected in 2009 over incumbent Democrat Jon Corzine, he quickly gained a reputation for “speaking his mind” and “telling it like it is.”

Source: Giphy

He also gained a reputation for hating unions, which quickly endeared him with the Republican voters. His biggest fights have been against pension benefits (which he had slashed) and the teacher’s union.


He hates teachers? Hates unions? Hates people? This guy seemed destined for greatness in the Republican Party, and that was precisely the track he was on. Swaths of GOP voters began to call on Christie to run for President in 2012, and tons of polls showed that he’d be competitive against presumptive nominee Mitt Romney.

Christie, hedging his bets, decided not to throw in against Romney and instead bid his time.

But he wasn’t making friends in the meantime.

Source: Giphy

Toward the end of the 2012 Presidential campaign it looked like Mitt Romney and Barack Obama were heading toward a photo finished — with President Obama perhaps holding a sliver of a lead.

However, the horrific Hurricane Sandy led to the President taking time off the campaign trail to survey the damage, which he did alongside New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.

Many Republican operatives consider this bipartisan camaraderie with Obama as a factor in the Democrat’s impressive re-election.

Source: Imgur

“Okay,” a reasonable person might pose. “He surveyed national disaster damager with the country’s President. But that’ll only endear him with moderates. His goose isn’t quite cooked yet.”

And it wasn’t. Yet.

Source: Giphy

By the autumn of 2013, Governor Christie was consumed by scandal. A few of his top lieutenants had ordered the closure of two out of three lanes leading to the Fort Lee access point onto the heavily trafficked George Washington Bridge.

The move was said to be an act of retaliation against Fort Lee Mayor Mark Sokolich, who declined to endorse Chris Christie for re-election. The order to close the lanes was totally traced to Christie’s office. Christie denied giving such an order, or even being aware of its existence.

The scandal also brought to light another, lightly discussed point; which is that Chris Christie has been kind of a shitty governor.

Source: Giphy

But Christie still has his sights on a happier day: the one where he will become President of the United States. It’s like he forgot the last three years and how absolutely nobody likes him anymore:

Source: Giphy

Democrats don’t like him because of his attitude toward unions…and humanity.

Republicans don’t like him because he tried to use President Obama to boost himself politically and managed helping the guy win re-election.

And everybody hates him for slowing down people’s commute. Like, who even does that??

BUT OKAY, let’s try to be President!

Source: Giphy

While Christie started out doing pretty badly…

Nope, he pretty much kept doing pretty badly.

Before leaving the race, however, Christie did have one noticeable impact: he managed to slap Rubio around the New Hampshire debate stage, causing him to underperform in the next few contests, perhaps ending the last glimmering hope of a non-Trump Republican nominee.


After failing to perform in New Hampshire, Chris Christie ragequits, and we hope to dispel with him forever.

But “The Donald” has other plans…

Trump wines and dines Christie — probably while also reminding him how much he hates Rubio — and manages to get his endorsement.

Christie then begins a national tour where he shills for Trump, telling people how Trump-tastic Trump is and that everyone should totally vote for him.

Possessing piss-poor political instincts, however, Christie doesn’t anticipate how this will play out in his home state (ya know, the one that elected him as Governor).

It’s fine right?? Christie has the patronage of future President Trump!

But after his endorsement tour, Trump unceremoniously scrapes Christie off his boot, ordering him to go back home.

And last night, as Trump gave his Super Tuesday victory speech, Chris Christie’s facial expressions seem to realize the extent of his mistake.

Source: Giphy
Source: Giphy

And so, here we are. Dozens of newspapers have come out to condemn Christie for his endorsement, his would-be benefactor orders him to-and-fro, and he has an 30% approval rating in New Jersey, and no prospects of advancement with the electorate or even his own political party.

He managed to spit in the faces of his own constituents, bolster Donald Trump, and achieve absolutely nothing for himself except becoming the biggest fuck in American politics.

Source: Giphy

Hope it was all worth it, Chris.