Why I Can’t Be In A Relationship


I’m not ready for a loving and life-long commitment to someone. Relationships from the past left me with both charming memories and severe trauma.   Not a week can go by without the thought of a former girlfriend crossing my mind. These recollections of old loves aren’t cause for my hesitation toward entering something serious, however.


Trust issues are a large contributing factor in this fear of a partnership. Also an apprehension, knowing I may not want to remain my girlfriend’s lover forever. After all, I’m not getting involved in a serious relationship with a woman if I’m positive she’s not the one I would spend my life with. The high school dry-hump love and college stranger boinking are best left in their respective time periods. Arriving now are the days of real life that you actually recognize as real life. Days which bring an all-encompassing seriousness, and force you to consider a path of living.


That’s all good and well, but still not the whole of what’s holding me back. In all honesty, Facebook is what’s preventing me from real commitment. I won’t allow myself to be that sad guy who enters a relationship and gets 6 likes.


I’m not some weirdo scrub in jeans with wide pant legs that barely touch the shoe. There’s no way I’ll have started dating the girl who reads manga and hisses at people. My love merits immense appreciation. I’m a really cool guy who deserves the virtual, online applause of men and women I sort of know.


How can I jump into things knowing internet opinion might mark my lady and I as deadbeat, homely losers? It’s possible to simply not put this information on Facebook, I know. What about all the other social networking outlets though? You have your Instagrams, Snapfriends, Bazoos and all the other great places to look good for others.


Like it or not, this is the time we live in. A large lot of us in society feel compelled to share most of our lives with the general public. You have to really wow the jerks and tramps from school who beat you up and turned you down. Capture every incredible moment, and record your greatest accomplishments for their terrible faces. Hey Skylar, remember when you called my shoes gay and spit on them? Probably not considering all the glue you huffed in your dad’s garage. Piece of shit. Here’s an award I won, which you can see on Facebook because we’re friends on there.


Hey Tiffany, can you recall that time you laughed after I asked you out? You told me I’m “a Yu-Gi-OH fag,” who “probably has a bird dick.” Well why don’t you scroll through some Facebook photos and check out the attractive girls I used to be in relationships with. I’ve been doing pretty well in the dimepiece department, Tiff. They all look better than your clownface baked potato lookin’ ass. Go take some more of your mom’s anxiety medication and conceive a child in Arby’s again.


All of my haters must be salty when I drop that “in a relationship” bomb. This is nothing short of necessary. Commitment can’t just happen when I feel lonely. That bond and promise may only come along when I find a girl worthy of envy and awe. “Damn, Mike’s girlfriend has gorgeous eyes, a luscious set of busts and serious booty meat?” Hell yeah she does, thanks to my patience and the need to show out for the Facebook community. Also, as mentioned, I’m very cool.


I’m not toying around with women’s feelings. If she’s not a 20-liker I won’t even express interest. In my life today, serious relationships are for when I believe there’s a chance of forever with a girl. Plus I need to flex on my old ladies and style on the hating ass nobodies who want to see me fall. That’s what a committed relationship is all about.