Why I Hate Dick Pics


I’ll bet that whoever invented the first cell-phone camera didn’t think it would be used to take naked pictures, but one thing’s for sure: The three guys who invented Snapchat are innovative geniuses who knew exactly what they were doing. Suddenly, sending sexy pictures was way less reckless. We started taking shelter in our anonymity, and naked pictures were being sent in increasingly large numbers. I’m all for nude pictures. However, I absolutely cannot stand dick pics.

I guess some guys just feel really proud about their penis and want to show me what they’re working with, but unless they put something next to it for scale like a Subway six-inch sandwich, I have no idea what I’m even looking at. Usually I’m just like, “Oh, OK, cool, I see you’re circumcised, good to know!” What the fuck am I supposed to say: “Wow, thanks for the preview—can’t wait to see it in person!”? Yeah, no, I couldn’t be OK with myself if I spouted that kind of bullshit to any guy. 99.99% of the time I have no idea how to respond to this kind of message, which has the guys texting me with a butthurt, “Oh, you seem unimpressed,” or “Umm, well, OK, yeah I guess it’s not a big deal.” But honestly bruh, what did you expect me to say? Did you want me to send you a shitload of emojis displaying my excitement at seeing your veiny dick in HD pop up on my iPhone screen?

I simply don’t understand why guys wanna send me pictures of their dicks. Wouldn’t you rather surprise me when you whip it out? Just because you want to see pictures of my glorious naked body doesn’t mean I want to see pictures of your penis, because let me just say penises, for the most part, aren’t cute. Don’t get me wrong—I love what they can do, and I most definitely enjoy them in person, but as for getting a picture of it? Let’s just not.

On the other hand, douchey ab selfies are very encouraged—that’s way more impressive. I’m OK with seeing pictures of a guy who puts in effort into going to the gym and lifting—that lets me know they’ll probably be able to throw me around in bed or lift me up and go to town on me. But maybe what’s most impressive is a guy who, you know, can have a good conversation via text, or one who picks up the phone and actually calls me. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but when it comes to the dick pic, I’ll take the thousands words any day of the week.