Why Kim Kardashian’s Butt Makes Me Sad

I always swore I’d never write about her, but here I am, writing about her. Ugh, I hate myself a little bit right now, but there’s a greater purpose here, I promise. I know we have all seen the infamous “Break The Internet” picture.

Before I go further, I have to say that her ass in this picture legitimately frightens me. No, I’m not jealous. I’m not trying to body-shame her. She is a gorgeous woman, just not in this disgustingly edited photograph because IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO LOOK LIKE THIS.

I would honestly be concerned and troubled as to how the laws of physics and gravity worked on that woman’s body if I thought this picture was real. However, this screams Photoshop. The picture features Kim Kardashian’s butt with a small guest appearance by Kim Kardashian’s face. Now, it is a bit odd to say (openly) that someone else’s buttocks make me sad, but they do. This edited image is a bigger symbol of what unrealistic expectations the media has created for our society, and it’s nauseating.

Kim K looks like how Photoshop wanted her to look. The viral photo is disturbingly disproportionate and everyone knows it. SHE even knows it. It makes no biological sense to have a waist that tiny with a butt that large; it just doesn’t.

EVERYONE has a different definition of what the “best body” is; the media’s just so happens to be a cartoon character.

I honestly would have never known that an ass could get so much hype—it literally poops, everyone. It literally poops. But then I hear guys talking about it and they’re all, OMG LOOK AT DAT ASS IT’S SO FAT I WANNA BURY MY HEAD IN IT, and I’m just thinking yeah do you…because it poops, so I’ll pass. Also, I don’t think I would ever want a man to bury his head in my butt, BUT if I did, I bet you he still would even if my butt was tiny. Which I’m proud to say it is.

I’ve already encountered my fair share of sexism, body-shaming, and the fabulously unrealistic male expectations fueled by the media. We all watch as our guy friends or boyfriends attempt to discretely, or not so discretely, drool over the magic creatures that are the Victoria’s Secret models, or gaze admiringly at Kim K’s tush. Yes they are beautiful, but for most of us, it’s unrealistic. I will never look like that, and I shouldn’t have to feel bad for not looking that way either.

The media makes us feel bad for not looking like a Photoshopped magazine cover. We should not feel bad about ourselves because we didn’t decide to inject fat from our stomachs into our butts. We should not feel bad for not happily volunteering to have our own noses broken so they can be shaped into “cuter noses.” We should not feel so badly that we pay thousands and thousands of dollars to surgically alter ourselves into SOMEONE ELSE’S idea of beautiful.

There are women in Burma who wear fitted rings around their neck to make their necks longer because in their society a long, giraffe-like neck is beautiful. We see these women with their long necks and act so shocked and scared. Yet here we are, in a society where I could decide to hop up onto a surgical table and have implants put into my chest because guys will think I’m sexier, and everyone acts like that’s just A-OK. Are you kidding me?

We’re told that we have to have big breasts but tiny waists. We’re told to have a fat ass but skinny legs. These expectations are not just for women, though—men are also affected. They’re told they have to have a six-pack, muscular arms, chiseled jaws, piercing colored eyes, and big penises. Who decided that these were the “must haves”? Light yourselves on fire, but they’re not.

Also, did anyone tell Kim that the Internet still works?