Why Stop At Ice Water? Just Make Everything You Do An Awareness Campaign.


All across America, people are taking on the Ice Bucket Challenge. Filling a large container with ice and water, dumping it on their heads, and uploading the video to youtube to raise awareness for ALS – also known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease, mainly because no one knows what ALS stands for and it’s not really important. What’s important is that people are doing funny videos and we get to be heroes by pouring water on our heads.

Now, a lot of people have already advanced the obvious question: how the fuck does dumping water on your head raise awareness of ALS? Well, it doesn’t really. In fact, the only thing to ever effectively raise awareness of ALS was Lou Gehrig’s diagnosis and death. If we REALLY wanted to help inform the public about the disease, we should just rename it after a different celebrity every year. Keep it relevant – it doesn’t matter whether they have it or not. There’s a drought in California right now. Toledo is parched. Save the water – just call it Mileycyritis and find another dumb thing to record yourself doing.

But, I don’t want to chastise people for attempting to do something nice. Their hearts are in the right place and their behavior, while ineffective, should at least be applauded in the same way you cheer on a special athlete or one of those marathon runners that had diarrhea and decided to finish the 5k anyways. Hey, good for them. Clap hard. Try to avoid eye contact.

My question is this, though: why stop with ice water and ALS? As long as we’re pretending that we’re helping people by doing dumb shit, why don’t we write off all of our dumb shit as noble endeavors? That’s what I’m doing. That’s how I’m saving the world.

Earlier today I took a shit at McDonald’s and I didn’t flush. Why? Adult illiteracy. Shoplifted some batteries from Office Depot on the way home too; for the deaf kids in Africa, of course.

Did you hear about those people in China that got stung by those giant hornets? Oh you haven’t? Well you’ll know all about it once I finish eating an entire Grande Meal in one sitting and uploading the video to Youtube. I’ll take a nap after – but a heroes nap. I’ll sleep on the floor of my room to raise awareness of feline leukemia.

That’s the beauty of awareness campaigns. They get to be about you. You don’t have to do anything other than draw attention to yourself, and – oh… oh hold on. Ah hell yea. I just ripped a giant fart and it sounded like my ass said “Gaza.” See? It’s that simple.