Why Won’t You Let Me Go?


Can I tell you what I think my biggest flaw is?

I am hopeless. Incompetent in all things that were you. Inadequate in all things that were us. I was stamped with fragility when you met me, delivered directly to you, it seems. You saw me carefully wrapped and completely guarded. Is that when you knew you’d have your way with me? You knew you’d break me. You said things to warn me. I’m sorry I didn’t heed your disclaimer. I tried to be better. I think that scared you. I wanted more for us, but you didn’t, so you made sure we fell short every time. Even when I tried to fix it, it didn’t matter. You made sure to sabotage us.

Can I have an honest moment with you right now?

I never wanted a forever. I hoped for one. I thought it was the right thing to do. Isn’t that why we got into all this? I guess not. We both had our motives initially. Why keep going, though? We got what we wanted a long time ago. I was just following the steps. I thought that when you dedicate this many years to someone, it was only right to assume that there would be a forever. Secretly, I did feel that a forever with you would have been mediocre. A mediocre house. A mediocre job. Mediocre kids. A mediocre life. You were okay with mediocre. I thought that since I loved you, I loved mediocre too. I was prepared to sacrifice everything for mediocrity. I thought that’s what you wanted. Maybe you saw the same thing I saw—clearly you didn’t want that. You never wanted a forever with me.

Can I get an honest answer from you right now?

Why won’t you let me heal? We’ve taken time away from each other. I thought I was over this hill by now. I thought I figured out how to master these emotions for you. You watched me put myself back together, just to come take me apart again. I’m convinced you like to unravel me. You like me better when I’m damaged, don’t you? What were your intentions with me? I don’t think you even had intentions for me. Were we ever a thing to you? I would say this was a game for you, but you aren’t even enthused.

So, why won’t you let me go?