Why You Mad, Girl?

A year passed and we did not see each other because I went to Chicago and she continued at Swarthmore. I did not give her any thought, except every once in a while she popped up on my Facebook feed. I noticed she had went back to study in Berlin for another semester.

I graduated, and as it is for many, this was difficult. I went back to Bryn Mawr and because of my relationship with Joe of House of Joe, I got a job as a barista there – a job that I found to be insufferable. It occurred to me that Cathleen was probably around, and I contacted her.

We met for coffee on several occasions. I do not quite know what motivated me to seek her out. I still felt ambivalent about her. I suppose I was lonely and depressed and most of my friends from high school were off doing other things. I found that she was similarly bummed out about finishing school, and we commiserated over that. We had both had our hearts broken recently, and it was comforting to have someone to talk to about it.

After a month of being home, I quit the job at House of Joe because I was hired as a food runner at Bryn Mawr Brew Works. One evening, I was out for drinks with Cathleen and we ran into Samuel and his roommate, one of my colleagues from BMBW. As it turned out, Cathleen was vaguely acquainted with Samuel, and we all got along. He got her number at the end of the evening, and the following day at work informed me that he was into it. “Go for it,” I said. “We’re just friends.” A couple of days later he informed me that they had boned, but it hadn’t been very good, and he was unsure of what to think about it.

A few days later, Cathleen invited me over to her place for tea. I obliged. We talked about love and life, and I loathed myself a little bit because I don’t like to talk about love and life too often, unless it is with my therapist. She mentioned her encounter with Samuel in passing, and it seemed that she, too, had not been very pleased with it. As I was preparing myself to leave, she said, “would you like to snuggle?”

I was taken aback. Aside from hooking up with her the year before, nothing romantic had transpired between us, and I think it was quite clear that that was how I wanted it because she knew I was grieving a recent break-up. “I guess,” I said, wondering what I was getting myself into.

We lay on the bed. I did not move very much. We spoke about love and life. I was feeling exquisitely depressed and I could not stop thinking of my ex-girlfriend. Tears were coming out of my eyes, though I’m not sure if Cathleen saw them. “Will you put your arm around me?” she asked.

“Oh, sorry, yes,” I said. I was feeling increasingly uncomfortable. I put my arm around her and she snuggled with me. My body was limp. She massaged my hand. Her face was quite close to mine, but I did not do anything. I felt a slight turmoil in my loins, but it was mixed with an awful feeling, kind of like I wanted to die or take a lot of my anti-anxiety medication.

“I want to get you off,” she said. I felt confused. I tried to stop thinking about sad things. She went down there, unzipped my pants, pulled them off, and started going down on me. I could not stop thinking about sad things.

A few minutes passed. “I have to go,” I said. I left as fast as I could.

I avoided seeing or talking to her for a few weeks. I felt indignant and I felt violated. I felt cheap and used. Not only had she just slept with my co-worker, but also she knew that I was emotionally vulnerable. Finally, against my better judgment, I agreed to see her. She was beginning to cling to me. We did not mention what had happened. Luckily, the few times that we did see each other, she happened to be with another friend, and this was a great relief.

I was starting to feel better about my life. I found some closure with my ex-girlfriend, and I started to feel like a normal human being again. Cathleen was getting ready to leave town and she invited me to a going-away party that her friend was hosting in an old church he rented out and had converted into a living space. At that time, a few of my friends were back in town, and I decided to go and bring them along to the party.

We were having a good time. I drank a lot. Cathleen was quite drunk. I flirted with her girlfriends – they seemed to like me. Indeed, I was feeling ready to get back in the game, so to speak, but not with Cathleen, even though that was clearly an option. At around 3am, my friends left. There were two other girls left and an awkward, nerdy dude. “We should all snuggle,” Cathleen suggested, drunkenly.

OMG, I thought. Disgust and resentment swelled up inside of me. Then I looked at the other girls, who seemed interested in snuggling. On second thought, it seemed like maybe snuggling with them might not be such a bad idea. I was feeling turmoil in my loins.

We crawled into bed. It was cold in that place. I was spooning one of the girls. Then the awkward dude got into bed next to me. What the fuck am I doing? I asked myself. More disgust and resentment than before swelled up inside of me, and I left without any ceremony. At home I cooled off, took some painkillers, and took a nice long bath.