Why Your Ex Sucked In Bed
Because they would complain about the lack of “sexual balance” and still never go down on you. Because they thought the ideal time to have sex was when you had a paper due in three hours. Because they didn’t believe in foreplay. Because the only time they wanted to have sex was when you were asleep, and when you wanted to have sex they were always “too tired” even though they still had the energy to play Xbox or Ultimate Frisbee.
Because they were over the age of 19 and still asked you to measure their penis. Because they asked to be called “daddy” in bed even though they knew you don’t get along with your father. Because they thought “eating you out” meant attacking your vagina with their face like it was a mound of chili cheese fries. Because they automatically thought of you as Number Whatever the first time you banged. Because their mom walked in and they still kept going. Because they came in your eyeball and high-fived themselves.
Because they poured an entire squeeze bottle of honey in places one should never pour an entire squeeze bottle of honey. Because they tied you up in fancy Boy Scout knots that they forgot how to undo. Because they were only willing to open their legs four centimeters. Because they actually screamed YOLO mid-orgasm. Because they would routinely just get off and pass out. Because they thought it was sexy to pull your hair out. Literally, out.
Because they actually answered the phone during sex. Because they called you a different name like four different times and kept blaming it on Jack Daniels, once even while sober. Because they made you fall asleep during sex when you were sober. Because every time you were almost there they switched positions, as if on purpose. Because they were already thinking about the story they were going to write about this experience instead of, you know, actually having sex with you.
Because they would start crying during sex and never tell you why. Because they made you cry and just thought your eyes were sweating. Because they weren’t able to tell the difference between a pleasure moan and a pain moan so they just responded to every moan with GO HARDER. Because they thought the G-spot was some kind of dive bar. Because they were consistently unable to find it even with the help of both hands and an iPhone.
Because the only two positions they operated in were Standing Up and Lying Down. Because the sex was so quiet you could literally hear the fireflies lighting up outside the window. Because they got all their sex tips from mainstream porn. Because they legitimately thought the ticket to getting you off was to go harder and faster, technique be damned. Because they bought a strap-on the size of a two-liter without thinking about how it might feel on the receiving end. Because who needs lube when you’ve got beer or spit.
Because they (unironically) tried to do the whole “Oops, wrong hole!” thing. Because they suggested having a three-way with your best friend and didn’t understand why you got angry. Because they would try to delay your orgasm all the time, delaying it so much it never actually happened. Because they thought your inability to have an orgasm necessarily had something to do with your anatomy, not their performance.
Because they had no imagination. Because they always bit you really hard in awkward places that don’t feel good. Because their dirty talk sounded like a horny sixth grader’s. Because they got up to shower immediately after. Because it seemed like they never showered, ever. Because sex was more about fancy acrobatics than actual pleasure. Because their idea of “adventurous” was doing it in the laundry room instead of the bedroom. Because you could accurately predict the sexual script every single time.
Because there was no genuine passion. Because even though you were together, it still felt distant. Because they never made you feel extraordinary. Because if you had a choice between sex and Taco Bell, you would give Taco Bell some serious consideration. Because every time you think about it now, your first response is to laugh or cringe or roll your eyes and congratulate yourself on being in a better place in life.