Will Your Friend Look At That Thing You Sent Them? A Helpful Guide


1. Did you paste the link?

If yes, then: there’s still a chance they clicked on the link.

If no, then: no. No goddamned way. Are you fucking high, asking someone to look at something in 2015 without sending the link? It could be months before your friend ever Googles that thing.

2. Did you send it during peak existence procrastination time?

Like, the morning commute? The nighttime pre-bed wind-down? The midday lunch workplace-avoidance extravaganza? Any of the times when your best fronds are trying to ignore the whole “being alive” situation?

If yes, then: maybe.

If no, then: 43% chance they’re busy and will see it later and maaaaaybe click on it, 67% chance someone else sent them all the links they need, you delayed dinkus.

3. Will it take longer than ten seconds to understand?

If yes, then: no. If they can’t click on it and understand what it is immediately, then they will just open new tabs until it is forgotten.

4. Does an ad play beforehand?

If yes, then: 50/50 chance that they will never look at it, 100% chance that they will lie to you about it and say they looked at it, 200% chance that no one will buy what the ad is selling.

5. Did you real-life lookbait it enough?

We all know that clickbait aims to get our clicks with grandiose statements that play to our neuroses: “You Won’t Believe” or “X Things [Insert Extremely Accessible Identity Here] Does In This Extremely Common And Therefore Relatable Situation.” But what of the more personal clickbait, the OG kind that you used to use as a kid: “smell this (gross thing), it smells like roses.” If you aren’t lookbaiting your links with things like, “yo, this video is fucking disgusting,” or “omg. did u see this yet?” then you simply are not preying on your friend’s personal anxieties enough.

So, if yes, then: maybe.

6. Are you a bugaboo?

Key component to this Q: have you sent this link more than once in the past 24 hours?

If yes, then: fuck off for like, a cool three days and then circle back. Every bugaboo just needs a metaphorical cold shower, and maybe a real one too — I hear they can be very good for the pores, which doesn’t hurt. Maybe then you’ll be low key annoying with fantastic pores, which is how Kim Kardashian started out.

If no, then: maybe.

7. Will it be interesting to them at all? Did you think about anything but your own personal taste preferences before you sent this? Are you being Netflix algorithm enough about it?

If yes to all of the above, then: you’re a liar.

If no, then: no one ever looks at anything you send to them, because we are all liars. Now click these links.

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