Without You, I Am Not Me Anymore


I am tired and my soul is restless. Many a night I spend in the pain of your forsaking. I cannot quite recognize my existence without yours in it. These hands on each of my sides, I cannot quite remember them being mine. These hands were the hands you held for so long; and these eyes, what use would there be but to search for your face in every place and in every stranger passing by. These feet, I cannot acknowledge them without having to think that they were the feet walking alongside yours before. These lungs only breathe air to relieve the breath you’ve taken. This mind could only reminisce so much, and yet it chose to keep your memories. And this heart, what more could I say? To say that this heart belongs to you is an understatement; I am eternally, passionately, and heart-wrenchingly yours.

So in the night you disowned me, I disowned myself.

These hands resting over my chest, they are not mine, for these are not the hands you are holding tonight. These eyes are not the eyes you are looking through and swallowing in the depths of your blue. The feet that support my body do not belong to me anymore. I refuse to breathe the air that is not the substance of your breathing. This mind, for heaven’s sake, the only hope I desire for is to render its unlearning.

And this heart, of all the parts of my being that I am dying to disown, this is the one I will forswear the most.

Because this is the heart that caused my collapse and ultimate disintegration. This is the heart that once foolishly renounced you and now I am renouncing it. And the worst of all the truths I have declared tonight, is the truth that you are never going to claim me back.