Yeehaw, Let’s Have Open Carry Gun Laws In Texas

Last week in Dallas, Texas, nearly 40 armed men, women, and children (!) waited outside a restaurant where a group of moms were eating tacos. But don’t worry; this was all cool and normal because in Texas, you can legally carry a rifle or shotgun in public—even if there are 40 of you and even if you’re not in the woods or a shooting range but in front of a restaurant full of moms and children—and it’s not a terrifying ambush. It’s Free Speech. Read the constitution, idiot.

The group in the restaurant are called MDA (Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America), which formed in the wake of the Sandy Hook massacre in order to exploit the tragedy for political gain. They were there having a meeting to discuss their fascist agenda regarding child-safety locks on guns and such. The gun-toting folks, meanwhile, were part of their own organization called OCT (Open Carry Texas), a group advocating for laws that allow people to wave guns around all willy nilly like they’re in Deadwood and not a Super Target. They were outside the restaurant to stage a peaceful, nonthreatening protest of MDA and its mission.

See, every human being has certain causes they’re willing to fight for, issues that motivate them into real action: child hunger, homelessness, income inequality, global warming; all methods of improving the world. Members of OCT, for their part, have chosen to organize and campaign for the right to openly carry guns. No, not insecticide-treated bed nets to prevent malaria in Africa; a distant problem that is difficult to conceptualize, lol, unlike guns. They would like to see a world where everyone has an assault rifle pointed at everyone else who also has assault rifles, a statewide collective Mexican standoff, resulting in increased safety and lawful behavior. While these so-called “moms,” on the other hand, want to protect “children” from being “shot.” Just a bunch of a women trying foist their feminist nanny-state anti-child murder agenda on us.

Inside the restaurant, the terrified manager didn’t call 911 for fear of causing a riot, and when the police did finally arrive, no one was arrested. If I had to guess, the officers probably high-fived them. Meanwhile, the women inside feared for their lives and the lives of their children at the sight of what appeared to be an armed ambush of eccentric rural gentlemen. “They’re walking around with killing machines strapped to their backs in a suburban area,” said one woman. Silly ladies, always overreacting!

Sure, I know it looks bad. That’s only because you don’t understand OCT’s purpose is merely to advocate and educate the public regarding open carry laws. Only by more people rolling through Wal Mart with AR-15 semi-automatic assault rifles will fellow citizens become acclimated to the constant presence of instruments of death. OCT’s intention certainly wasn’t to intimidate a bunch of mothers; only to unexpectedly show up armed to the teeth where they were eating with their families and present a reasoned argument. It sounds true because it is true.

Growing up in Texas, my family members always complained about excessive gun restrictions. It has to be concealed! You can’t point it at people as a hilarious joke! You can’t take a gun in a Starbucks, a bar, or even the airport! And this is a real problem because at any moment, someone might try to kill you or your girlfriend, and you need to be able to kill them back. (Face it: everyone has enemies who would like nothing more than an unarmed victim to murder.) What if you’re in a Starbucks, and someone tries to stab you to death for your macchiato? Or, more likely, what if while walking home, someone tries to take your wallet? Could you use a taser, pepper spray, or a beanbag gun? No, that won’t work. He/she needs to die for trying to take your stuff. For trying to beat you up or steal your money, there needs to be a dead body, a grieving family, and the destruction of all that person’s hopes, dreams, thoughts, personality, etc. That’s how justice works.

Most gun-owners won’t come out and say it, but I will: Texas needs open carry because when I walk in a room, I want people to look at me and be intimidated, to see a Man prepared to defend himself at any given moment. Of course, no one would be threatened because gun-owners are all rational, responsible people. Haven’t you ever noticed how everyone you know who owns a gun (or a bed bunker) is always the most reasonable and intelligent (excluding military veterans who probably think you need professional safety training and practice, blah blah blah, BORING)? They know it might be necessary to overthrow the federal government and that George Zimmerman was in the right. And they also know you need to see this hilarious chain email on 10 Ways to Know You Have Obamacare! Click it! IT’S HILARIOUS LOL!

So while these despotic moms capitalize on an American tragedy, they point to a perfectly legal oppositional protest as “intimidation tactics”. These women would have us live in a castrated world of unarmed pussies just because a few kids were murdered one time and also thousands of people each year. Well, as William Burroughs said, “After a shooting spree, they always want to take the guns away from the people who didn’t do it.” And I certainly don’t know anything about William Burroughs’ life that would invalidate that sentiment.