You Are Why My Heart Had To Break 20 Million Times

I wake up covered in sweat
and not because I awoke from a dream where you and I were a pile of limbs
I wake up covered in sweat
for I saw you
at a grocery store
I was standing at the check out
holding toilet paper and bananas
and there you were
with your blonde hair
and glacier blues
and I kicked myself in the ass
because you are right
I’m still not through with you
I scold my heart silently
for I have been in denial since the day you left
we say hello
and all of a sudden you faint
and I’m holding you
do you need me to drive you home?
I ask
no
you reply
but maybe I will come over to your house
you say
and this gives me the hope I am not allowed to have in the living
and so we drive
in our separate cars
to my house
which is not really my house
because this is a dream
and dreams twerk the reality of what is
and have us walking upside down
trying to make sense of it
and a man from Costa Rica I know is there
and that’s awkward
because I wish it to just be us
and I don’t know how to tell him to scram
so the three of us are there
and then my house is full of people
and not people I know
a 5 year olds birthday party
with green balloons
and kids full of snot
and I’m a little horrified
because part of me believes if you see the home that I built
you will want us back
and I loathe those words from exiting my brain
even in my dream
for you do not deserve a second chance
and I know it will never happen
and I wake up
in white hotel sheets
in a small mountain town
in Oregon
drenched in sweat
my back is sticky and cold
and I lay there
and wonder why in gods name I am dreaming of you
for you are not mine to dream over
I tell the walls
dream on
for that love story is dead
and fall asleep
a little sad
for I was not the one who exclaimed the love story should be dead
and if I was the director
in my dreams
you and I
would of walked into my two bedroom Character home
with the heat roaring
and my old wooden desk
purple chair
white and blue painting beside pink flowers
old turquoise window frames
and we would end the night
laying in white linen sheets
and it will slip into how easy it was
the first moment I laid eyes on you
it’s hard to let go of the ones
who make all the other love stories
I’ve had and haven’t had
make sense
for the easiness
of it
leads me to believe
you are why
my heart had to break
20 million times.