You Can’t Find Love Because You’re Looking In The Wrong Places


Before delving into things, it’s vital to note that I am no expert on “picking up” women, relationships, or any dating information for that matter.  I’m quite the opposite, really.  I’m garbage at these things.  “Trash”, if you will.  I’m a shut-in, unconfident loser with good hair and a crippling fear of worms (As well as most things).


However, I can confidently tell you that many people are going about finding a relationship in the completely wrong manner.  Folks go out seeking someone to hopefully settle down with in the most awful environments, and then complain that hornballs only want them for their genitals.  If you’re just looking for a quick tugjob or intense round of the sex, the places I’m about to list are probably goldmines.  Nevertheless, I’m focusing on areas in which one would not typically have much luck finding a potential partner.


Please note:  Some people do have success in meeting a soul mate in these settings.  I’m well aware of this.  Save your dipshit comments and miraculous love stories about finding a fellow amputee on


Lets kick things off with THE BAR.  You wanna meet an asshole or slut?  Go to the bar.  That’s what my grandma always used to say, or at least she should have!  Bars are filled with some of the biggest pieces of human garbage out there – Special orders of filth who solely go out to get intoxicated and bang something.  Ladies, good luck finding a caring, personable guy, simply looking to get to know you and possibly pursue something meaningful.


Next is Tinder, and all similar “hookup apps.”  It’s difficult to come across a nice guy on Tinder because they’re not actually speaking to you in person.  The majority of the guys using Tinder and similar apps are somewhat anonymous, horned up perverts who can say whatever they want.  They certainly will.  I can’t speak from experience, but I assume women get sexually harassed daily on that app.  Hey, maybe you’re charmed by that?  If so, that’s cool.  Go enjoy some guy describing his weird penis and virtually pressuring you into trying anal.  For the self-respecting ladies, you may want to look elsewhere.  The main intention behind a lot of the app users is a quick, meaningless lay.  More power to ya if that’s what you’re also seeking.  I just pray you strumpets are smart enough to use rubbers.


Similar to the bar situations are Parties.  “Perhaps I can find someone to truly care for me and love me in this stinky basement filled with loud, loaded people!”  Nope.  This is where rape happens.  Also where dudes in backwards hats dap each other up every five seconds for no particular reason.  Come to think of it, their reason for celebration could be that they JUST RAPED SOMEONE.  Doubtful, but I’m not to view things with a positive outlook.


Some misguided saps also look for love at The Gym.  Call me crazy, but I don’t think the fella who just took a flexing mirror selfie has the ideal qualities of a dream partner.  For the guys reading, I doubt the girl in full-spandex practically begging you to ogle her butt and boobies is the girl you want to bring home to mom.  Unless of course your mom’s a huge ho!  In which case definitely bring some gym skanks to the crib so mom can compare and contrast fellatio techniques with them.


This last one is specific to the male gender.  Guys, stop looking for women at The Mall for Christ’s sake.  You might be asking yourself, “Do weirdos really go to the mall searching for a lady?”  Unfortunately yes.  This mostly pertains to the younger crowd, but mall hunters include older creeps as well.  Whether you’re looking for something serious or just trying to get your johnson wet, flirtingly approaching women at a shopping center is downright unsettling.  You come across as an Armenian guy trying to sell overpriced lotion.  Either that or one of those Youtube prank fuckers desperately attempting to get a kiss or phone number.


As mentioned, there are obviously exceptions.  “Hey but I met my awesome barely racist boyfriend of 4 years at a bar!”  You and your boo thang can shut the hell up!  I know the above listed spots can occasionally bring about promising results.  I’m stating this a second time because an enormous amount of internet users are dumb, hateful wiseacres who live to tell others they’re wrong or stupid.  No need to propel hate onto people who already resent themselves! (Me)