You Don’t Want Dat Swamp Ass — Stay Cool This Summer!


Ah, swamp ass. The bad news is there’s no way to avoid a swampy booty and dripping pits in the summer. We wait all season for the warm weather to strike and the snow to melt, but when it gets here we’re excited for like 10 seconds before and start complaining about how freaking hot it is all the time. Ugh it’s too hot to sleep! You have to take like five showers a day before you dare to go out into society! You can barely look cute because you sweat through everything! The good news is that everybody suffers from swampy bodily crevices in the summer, so we’re all in this together. Even when you get on public transportation and somebody raises their arm to hold on to the handle and oofthat bitch is sweattttttty…


You know we are in the thick of summer when you leave your apartment and on the 10 minute walk to the subway you are basically DRENCHED. Even if you work in a nice, super air-conditioned office building, you will be forced to leave it at some point.

Here are 7 ways to avoid swampy asses and embarrassing pits this summer. You can thank me in the comments!!

1. Do Not Wear A White T-Shirt!

The first thing you don’t want to do when it is really hot out is wear a white t-shirt. White looks wet sooner than everything else you have. Why do you think nobody has wet t-shirt contests with like black t-shirts! I know this might not make much sense, but you should wear black shirts or darker colored shirts if you want to hide your sweat. The brighter the color you wear, the more visible your stomach, back, and pit sweat gets!

2. Use Baby Powder

You should use some baby powder, too. I know you’re not five months old anymore but whatever. Baby powder is awesome. Throw some baby powder in your underwear or on your pits or wherever else before you leave the house. Bring it with you and replenish yourself during the day as you see fit. The powder will suck up at least some of the moisture and will leave you with an uplifting, refreshing scent!

3. Wear A Tank Top

Tank tops are your BFFs in the summer time. They give your body so much more room to breathe. Also? Shave/trim those pits!

4. Drink Cold Water And Eat Cold Stuff — Like Ice Cream!

As if you needed another excuse to treat yourself to your favorite scoop.

5. Shower A LOT

You’re going to have to take like 3 showers a day, there’s just no other way around it. This will help you wash away all the funk BUT ALSO the showers will help you feel cool again and forget about how dreadfully hot you were today. When you’ve been running around all day, back and forth, up and down stairs, in and out of the subway, you feel hot and gross and sticky. Taking a shower is like giving yourself a fresh start! Don’t be that guy who smells like a rancid nut sac.

6. Bring An Extra Shirt With You

You’re already carrying around a bag with your computer in it around the city, why don’t you bring a shirt change with you just in case? Sometimes it gets so hot that you’ve pitted out your shirt and it is already too late. Keeping a fresh shirt in your bag will extend your freshness throughout the day. Plus, who doesn’t love a gratuitous mid-day outfit change!

7. Or You Could Just Practice Topless Activism, Like This Lady!


She’s drawing attention to the fact that in New York State it’s legal for a woman to be topless anywhere that a man can, since 1992. Won’t you join her cause?

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