You Never Loved Me (And It’s Why I Learned To Love Myself)

It’s been some time since we’ve spoken, but lately I can’t stop thinking about you. I’m not really sure what it is; maybe it’s the seasons changing. Summer has gone and now winter is upon us. Warm nights have been traded for cold sheets. Saturday adventures have been replaced by romantic comedies and cups of hot tea.

Or possibly it is the fact that there’s no other man in my life right now. I’m bored, and my mind can’t stop flirting with the past.

Yes, it’s been good reminiscing about us and the way we were. How easily we fell into each other’s arms, and how difficult it was to say goodbye. I guess the past has an amusing way of altering our memories, because those nights spent crying over you have been overridden by mornings spent on the beach and those days wandering around unfamiliar city streets.

Anyway, I can’t stop thinking about what I would say to you. Like if we randomly bumped into another in a coffee shop, if one day you showed up at my house, or maybe even at my favorite bar.

What would I say, after all these years, if you were standing right in front of me?

“Thank you.”

That is all I can come up with.

Thank you for everything.

Thank you for not loving in me return, because if you had, I wouldn’t be where I am right now. I wouldn’t have created a life I love for myself. I wouldn’t have managed to find happiness on my own.

See, I’ve spent a lot of time being unhappy because of you, but mostly, unhappy being single. Being with you showed me the type of relationship I always imagined. But once you left, I was stuck missing what we almost had. I’ve spent way too much time being jealous of girls in relationships. Being the infamous perpetually single girl, I’ve had my fair share of the “single girl blues.”

But it wasn’t until recently, I realized I am no longer envious of what those girls have. I am no longer unhappy being single. I am no longer unhappy without you.

I’ve gotten to a place of full contentment. I am happy with myself. I love who I have become. I love all that I am.

I do things for myself, by myself. I don’t rely on others for my happiness or joy.

And that is where is all comes back around to you.

It would have been effortless for me to be content with you, for us to be content together. What we had was great, and it was pretty close to perfect. You provided me with a life I could have fallen perfectly into. That life was simple. It was so easy.

But this life is better.

No, it was not easy; it took years to get here. It took ages for me to realize I could find contentment in myself. It took nights of loneliness, and days of jadedness and bitterness. It took a lot of strength to reach this state.

Honestly, I never thought I would be here.

And if it wasn’t for you, I don’t think I would be.

So again, thank you.

Thank you for showing me life is more about falling in love with a silly boy. Thank you for showing me I never needed anyone else but myself. Thank you for showing me the type of life I deserve. Thank you for hurting me, because I am now healed.

Thank you for driving me to this place, dropping me off, and leaving me to figure the rest out on my own.

But mostly, thank you for not loving me, because the love I have found for myself will never compare to that of another.