You Were My Home, But Now I Have To Build My Own


Perhaps the thing that crushes us the most when we are torn away from a meaningful connection that no longer multiplies with passion is the loss of a world that feels closer to home than the one we live in. You were not only a sanctuary where I could unveil the expectations the world had on my shoulders, you were also a paradise that I was able to take refuge in.

Among the people in our lives, whether they be colleagues or passersby, acquaintances, or friends, we always endeavour to put our best foot forward so they get the prettiest sides of us. We dance around courteously and politely because we want these connections to be genuine, pure and cheerful. But the most purest thing of all is to really be able to let your guard down; to let your walls crumble and have your heart in the palm of both your hands to freely beat in harmony with the way you truly feel.

The thing that made us so special was not just the memories we forged that will span a lifetime, like a screenplay put in a continuous loop. It wasn’t just the synonymous language we began to adopt, one that knew mornings weren’t complete without an extra strong black coffee and nights weren’t satisfied without a mint chocolate ice cream. It wasn’t just the shooting stars that sealed our secrets with the world, our fluttering hearts and dreamy eyes that did not even dare blink as we waited in pure silence for that magical split-second airstroke that marked this moment forever in time. It wasn’t even the moments where we took our footprints halfway across the world, making our mark on different cultures and landscapes as we promised to discover every hidden corner of the world together.

What made this the most devastating plunge into the abyss of heartache was that, despite all these glorious and beautiful moments we shared together, was that I lost the most precious thing of all: my ability to be myself around you. During the darker nights, when you pulled the blanket over our heads and we laid side-by-side, smothered in the darkness of a quieter world, our own magical world, I was able to confide in you the shadows that clouded my days. I was able to piece together memories of my past and face them, because you were there by my side to extinguish them whole, once and for all. I was able to face my past battles by summoning them to the surface and illuminating a light on them so they would be banished forever. Within our blanketed haven, you allowed me to open up and be myself, without judgement, without shame, and above all, without ever allowing me to believe that my present was defined nor characterized by my past.

And until I find that special someone again, until I’m able to pull a blanket over our heads and create our own world rather than have that sentimental action transport me right back to our fairytale realm, I will be my own savior. I will be my own knight, and I will be my own extinguisher of my nightmares. Because the next most beautiful thing about finding someone to be yourself around is looking inward and healing your scars by yourself, with yourself, so that the next person will have me in one whole piece.